I will never be that girl

Maybe you know that woman or are that woman - the one who wears high heels with jeans and checks several times a day to make sure her makeup is perfect. I'm not that woman and just don't see it in me to ever be that woman. Maybe that's one of my flaws, I don't know. And the bottom line, really, is because I'm too lazy to be that woman. I just can't see spending the time it takes to be that woman.

So I find myself wondering. Do I not invest enough time in myself? Yes, my personality and that woman's personality are pretty much polar opposites, yet sometimes, secretly (ok, I guess the secret's out now), I kind of wish I could be her. Put-together looking instead of the same kind of capri pants and t-shirt every day. "Hair-do" vs. my every day pony tail. A selection of shoes instead of: tennis shoes or flip flops. I still don't know if I'd be happy being that woman even if I was her.

Which leads me to even more questions. When will I be happy? I don't mean with my life - I truly do have a fantastic husband and my kids just absolutely make my day, every day. But when will I be truly happy with myself, and is that even really truly attainable? I don't think I have ever in my entire life felt that. As an adult my weight has held me back (DUH, Colleen - do something about it, right?) When I was a kid, lots of things held me back but I just never really had that self-confidence I read so much about. Still don't. I question myself at every turn. I sabotage myself. I rationalize stupid behavior.

I won't be that high heels in jeans woman, but the other night, walking into Walmart for some not-even-remotely healthy treats for my husband and I to share after the kids went to bed, I realized what woman I HAVE become. That fat woman that I always looked at and thought: At least I'm not THAT fat. I am now the standard of what I told myself I'd never become. So what the hell am I going to do about it?