Goodbye, 2012 - Goodbye, Goodbye Fat Girl

I have renamed my blog.  I think in part because I have felt like such a failure at it.  Saying Goodbye to the fat girl inside of me (who just happens to be visible from the outside at the moment as well) is going to take a lot more than blogging.  It's going to take some reinventing of myself...it's going to take time - because....and I've faced this......I'm not fat just because I like food, or because I like to cook.

I have issues.

Chances are you do too.  Are you aiming to reinvent yourself too?  Join me.  Let's do this thing together, yeah?  We're going to succeed.  We're going to fail sometimes.  But let's just take a step or two.

I haven't said goodbye....

The title of this blog is "Goodbye, Fat Girl!"  When I first started it I was all excited about commuting to weight loss, and I delved into the weight loss community online.  I felt incredible support and saw some great results.  Then I don't know what happened.  I got tired of being "good," I suppose.  I got lazy, mostly.  Once I ran my first 5k, I sort of fell off the map. 

And EVERY FREAKING TIME that I come back here and write a post it goes something like this - "I'm ready go get back on the wagon.  I am going to do what it takes to get healthy because I really want this and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."  And what happens?  I do flippin' awesome for a week.  I feel like I can rule the world.  And then the second week comes.  And I get cocky.  And I stop tracking.  And I gain back everything I lost that first week, and then some.  And then I say, "SCREW THIS."

This is a mental thing.  It's all mental.  I know the science.  I know how to make healthy choices.  But what I don't know how to do is get over my mental issues.  I'm grasping at straws trying to find something that helps me open up myself.  Weight Watchers was another bomb for me this time (not WW's fault - MINE). 

So I've joined yet another challenge, but with some pretty amazing Thirty-One sisters, including my friend "Jean."  I can't stop searching, guys.  Hang in there with me if you're so inclined.  If you're tired of my wishy-washiness, that's ok too. 

But I'm still here.  I haven't said "goodbye" to that fat girl yet, but I plan to.  Even if it takes the rest of my life.  I will bid her a fond farewell.

The First Week

I did make it to Weight Watchers last week for my first weigh in and the number sort of punched me in the face, but I knew I had a lot of work to do.

And then I worked.  I planned. I prayed.  I did some digging into my issues.  I drank a lot of water and I did not feel like I wasn't satisfied once over the past week.  I didn't exercise as much as I have in the past but I'm easing in to that.  Saturday night I even had some ice cream that was more delicious than any I've ever wolfed down in two minutes.

At yesterday's weigh in I was rewarded with a 5.2 pound loss for my first week of work.  I know my loss number will rarely be that big, but I'm happy with it.  My pal Jean had over a NINE POUND loss!  That shows you just how much of a difference just switching from regular soda to diet soda makes.  In the coming weeks she'd like to switch from diet soda to water but she's making small steps and seeing great rewards.

Support is a big piece of this puzzle.  I've got the support of Jean, my husband, my mother-in-law, my best pal Beth, my friends, and all of you.  I am so blessed and promise to work just as hard this week too!

How's everyone doing out there?

You Have To Be Ready

Today's the day, folks.  Today is the day that Jean and I march our asses into the Weight Watchers meeting at 5pm and officially commit to doing some changing in our lives.  We've spent the past few week communicating about our excitement over all of this and today is the day that it all starts.

The thing is, you have to be ready.  You have to admit to yourself most of all that you're ready to put in the hard work it will take (because face it, y'all, it's some damn hard work) to make the changes that will alter your life.

ALTER YOUR LIFE.

It's huge isn't it?  Of course it is.  Just wanting it isn't enough.  You have to be willing to do what it takes and combine that desire for change to actually do anything. 

And stepping into a meeting room might not sound like a commitment but it's a symbol of changing the past four years of me saying, "I can't go to meetings.  I can do this on my own."

It's ok to say "I need help."  It's ok to say, "I need to lean on you."  It's ok to realize that doing monumental things with your life means a lot more when you admit that you have what it takes to not only change yourself, but to also help change another person and accept their help in return.

Weight Loss Meetings

How many of you participate in a weight loss program where you have to go to a weekly meeting, monitor your progress and stay for a topic talk of some type?  There are lots of programs out there, many with online versions of their program, some without.

What works for you?

That's a powerful question.  Often we try to make what we THINK works or SHOULD work for us be the program we're going to be successful doing, but the fact is, that's not always the case.  We try to fit the program into our lives rather changing our lives to fit the program.

 I have been doing that with GLARING bouts of anything-but success with the Weight Watchers Online program.  It is an awesome program, to be sure.  But I think it is the sort of program that would be a great tool for the person that doesn't have serious food issues like yours truly.  When have I been most successful?  When I went to the MEETINGS.  When I had actual face-to-face people to talk to and bounce ideas off.

For a long time I have been finding lots of different ways to say, "I CAN'T" when it comes to going to Weight Watchers meetings.  My Job/My Kids/My Family/My Responsibilities/My Husband/MyBLAHBLAHBLAH.  Guess what?  If I keep going the way I'm going, I won't be able to enjoy any of those things anyway.

So, I found a way to say I CAN.

And guess what?  Instead of being all shy and "I'm not going to tell anyone because I'll be embarrassed and everyone will know I'm fat" (Because HELLO.....people have eyes, right?  Even Ronnie Milsap would know I've got weight issues) - I decided to reach out to an old friend who once mentioned WW and ask if she's still interested.  She's decided to go too....and we'll call her Jean S. for the purposes of this blog.  I'm happy to have someone I know going too, and the support means a great deal to me. 

Jean and I start Sept 18th.  Let's all be wishing her luck in weaning herself from Dr. Pepper in the meantime.  I'm excited!

PS - thanks for all the comments on my last post!  I'm glad to know I'm not alone.  I plan to do some dusting around here!

It's been a while

..............but if there are any of you folks still hanging around this dusty old place, you know that.

Weight loss for me, lately....well it's sucked.  I've sucked at it, is more the correct term to use.  I was talking to a very dear friend today and something came to me.  I need to do more work on my "why" of my food addiction.  I can have howevermany (that's a new real word, y'all can use it if you want!) great weeks in a row, but the fact of the matter is, something will always pull me back into the abyss.

Truth is, the abyss is both more comfortable and more terrifying than taking control of your life and turning it in the direction you want it to go.  You can pretend to be happy and fat all you want, but I'd venture to guess that those of use who are fat out there (myself included) aren't truly happy.  Of course we're not.  It has nothing to do with appearance, either - (though I will admit to sometimes wishing I could fit into those smaller, cuter clothes).  I know that myself I can't be happy knowing that who I am right now is less than who I want to be.

I think I need to say that louder.

Who I am right now is less than who I want to be.

So, I know the science behind changing that.  Eat less (and cleaner) and move more.  And I can do those things, I know I can.  But why am I the "less-of-a" person than I want to be?  I know I have issues dating back to childhood (seriously, who among us doesn't?)  I do know that when my pantry has bare spots in it, I get a little panicky and feel a sense of peace when it's full again.  I know that when I think about the eating less and cleaner part of the equation that I also get a little panicky at the thought of giving up or limiting certain kinds of foods (which honestly does not bother me once I start to do it).  I know that when I'm doing well I feel stronger and more confident about myself - but have those days where I just want to say "screw it" and go back to not caring.....and in those times of weakness I either give in to that or I don't and become even stronger.

I'm starting to put this together because, honestly, I don't want to be this person forever.  I truly don't.  Many people have said, "go to counseling!" And while that's probably a great idea, I just can't justify that expense for something that is inside my own mind and I need to do the work to pull out.

So I can't promise I'll write here often, but I will write.  I'll write when I need to and I hope you'll read.  Or if you don't, that's ok too.  Because in reality I need to write more than have what I write read.

I'm Not Dead

I thought I'd jump on here really quick to let you know I'm not laying in a ditch somewhere. I'm not - I'm just trying to figure things out and figure out why I can't seem to string 2 weeks of success together (other than being lazy).

Science is easy in the case of weight loss. Less food, more movement. Easy. It's the mental shit that trips me up. Once "I Don't Care" gets you in it's grips it's easy to feel powerless (which is a fabulous excuse to just do whatever the hell you want - which, honestly, is what we all really want to do, rather than restricting ourselves).

So I've been having lose 3 pound weeks followed by gain 2 pound weeks.

It's going to be a LONG haul but I will figure it out.