Fresh Starts / Feeling in Control vs. Feeling Powerless

I've spent the better part of the past 4 days not making the best choices, not tracking a good portion of my food and generally being in "who gives a crap" mode.  Last week I had a loss of 3.8 - somehow in my mind that equals "relax" instead of "keep it up!"

I sometimes think, in the throes of a binge, that it feels "good" to relax the weight loss journey a bit and just "live a little."  It's amazing how the concept of that phrase changes, isn't it?  Being out of control and not taking responsibility for your actions is not truly living.  I always feel like it's nice to have a day every once in a while where I just don't track anything and eat whatever the hell I want.  Like I've got my old life back.

But you know what?  It's all smoke and mirrors.  Having those days has the exact opposite effect on me.  It fills me with shame and guilt.  It makes me feel weak and powerless.  It makes me feel so...."less than."  That bloated, stuffed feeling serves as a reminder of who I used to be.  I am honestly not that girl anymore.

I have noticed that when I am on a downward slide and I start getting lazy, what usually stops it is when I have a full out binge.  Why is that?  Do I really have to be faced with such a low point to remember what it feels like? 

Today I woke up BRAND NEW.  I was ready to take on the day and make it mine.  I went to the gym and met a friend there, which was really nice.  I bested my time getting to 2 miles on the elliptical (17:03!!!) and then did 3.5 miles on the bike, a good bit of weight training and even half a mile on the treadmill.  Beth told me she could see my weight loss progress.  That felt good!  I gotta tell you - after leaving the gym I felt sore and INVINCIBLE. 

I tracked EVERYTHING I ate.  And we had even planned pizza for dinner.  Guess what I did for the first time ever?  Instead of having 2 pieces and blowing a shit-ton of points, I had one piece and a big salad, and I felt really good about that.

The common thread here is, no matter how good I think it's going to feel to binge and eat whatever feelings I'm feeling - it feels a million times better to be in control and responsible.  Spoken like a true mom, eh?  It's so true for me.  I felt like I was on top of the world today.  I tracked my food intake and had an honest number when I was done with the day.  No fudging the numbers.  That's mostly why I haven't logged anything in the "What I Eat" tab lately.  I couldn't be honest so I didn't put anything at all. 

I don't expect any sort of miracle on the scale on Monday.  But I chose to take the power back today.  I chose to make this day a day full of success and not shame.  I choose to remember why I'm doing this all in the first place - not to be a certain pants size, not to have the scale show me a certain number - but to FEEL good.  To do all the things I've always wanted to do.  I love myself.  I love my life.  It's time to keep showing myself that that's all true. 4 days of poor choices does not determine my fate.  I do.

Clean Eating Cookbook Giveaway!

135by2012 is hosting a giveaway on her blog of the same name!  Go here: http://135by2012.blogspot.com/2011/04/giveaway.html and enter!  It's a sweet looking Clean Eating Cookbook that looks awesome!(Plus her blog is great!  Follow her!!)

I've Been Daydreaming....About The Amish

There's an Amish community close to where I live.  There are miles and miles of farms with roadside stands, a bulk foods store and even several nurseries.

But there is one Amish family who brings their produce into town to sell during the summer.  And I can't wait for them to return to town.  Every year I swear to myself that I am going to buy my produce from them - it's organic and delicious, not to mention affordable.  But what have I done in past years?  Told myself "it's too out of the way" (it's not), "it's a pain in the ass going to another place just for produce" (it wouldn't be), and "what am I going to do with all the kids- mine and daycare kids - while I go produce shopping?" (take them with me and teach them about fruits, vegetables, and farming!). 

So this year, I vow that I will buy farm fresh and I can't wait!!  I plan on buying approximately three gazillion cantaloupes from them.

**************************************************

I just want to take a moment to pimp out my other (new) blog.  It's all about being a mom and the guilt that goes along with it.  It's me doing the best I can as a mom, with the confessions to prove it.  Please take a moment to check it out, and if you like it, consider following it.  Confessions Of A Momma

Workouts In Relation to Food Choices

I'm a morning workout person.  It's the best time of day for me to get a workout in for a number of reasons. I have two small-ish children, so evenings are mostly devoted to them.  When I have worked out in the evening in the past, I was just too keyed up to wind down and go to sleep.

But most importantly, I've noticed (especially recently) that when I do complete a good workout in the morning, my food choices for the day are much better.  It's as if I don't want to ruin the good start to my day that the workout gave me.  If it were the other way around I'm sure my brain would trick itself and say, "Well you're working out tonight, go ahead and have sixty cookies."

And if I string several good workouts together then when I do take a rest day, I'm more apt to continue the trend of good choices.

If there's one thing that this past week has taught me, it's that psychology plays an even more important roll in my own personal weight loss journey than does food intake or exercise.  That stuff's the easy part.  That stuff's science that can be nailed down.  The psychology part, though - that's just my head trying to play tricks with my head and sometimes that's so difficult to get past. 

***************************************

I just want to take a moment to pimp out my other (new) blog.  It's all about being a mom and the guilt that goes along with it.  It's me doing the best I can as a mom, with the confessions to prove it.  Please take a moment to check it out, and if you like it, consider following it.  Confessions Of A Momma

The Psychology of A Higher-Than-"Normal" Weekly Loss

This week was great!  I lost 3.8 pounds, which put me in striking distance of the 30 pounds lost mark.  I even  did the fist-pump after I got off the scale (three times, just to make sure).  I felt GREAT.  POWERFUL.  INDESTRUCTABLE.

I went to lunch with my family today after a doctor appointment which involved my lady bits (why does everyone at the gyno look at you like you're knocked up?).  The restaurant visit went wonderfully.  I made good, wise choices, and was proud of my effort in that arena.  I *did* want the fried fish and french fries.  Very much so, in fact.  I could almost taste it!  Instead, I had broiled fish with rice and vegetables and guess what?  It was fantastic!  And I left feeling very in control and with it! I was riding the high!

Why is it, then, that this afternoon / evening, I wanted to eat every. freaking. thing I could get my hands on.  I had a few pieces of chocolate and a few chips and I wanted so much more.  Somewhere, buried in my head was a dusty old thought of, "You did a great job last week, Colleen.  Very well done!  You deserve a reward!"  But that dusty old thought?  Yeah, it didn't mean a reward of a song download on iTunes, or a new pack of cute sticky notes (one of my guilty pleasures).  No, it meant, "SOMETHING DELICIOUS." 

Is it an internal sabotage?  Is it simply my obsession with rewards?  Maybe a bit of both?  I didn't go off the deep end (totally could have) but I'm just really trying to figure these feelings out.  I obviously don't want to self-sabotage.  But I've done this time and again.  I've had lots of big weeks followed by much smaller weeks.  I'm not ashamed of anything I did tonight, but do plan to make better choices tomorrow.

Each day is a gift.  Each lesson is a gift.  Will you choose to be thankful for the gifts you've received?  I will.  I refuse to take them for granted.  Last week?  A 3.8 pound loss.  This week?  The downward momentum continues!

Friend Making Monday - 4/25/11

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add a link at the bottom of this post so we can all see your post. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Be sure to head back to Kenz's blog - All The Weigh and check out the rest!

FMM: Today I....

 

(Actually these answers are technically from Sunday :)

Today I felt...in control, and powerful

Today I saw....an old friend who came over for a bit of board gaming with my husband and I.

Today I ate...the most insanely delicious hot dog ever (Hebrew National brand)

Today I kissed...my two sweet girls about 600 times each.

Today I bought...several things at a local grocery store that were on sale AND I had coupons for.

Today I heard...the joy in my 6 year old daughter's voice as she sang along to her new Justin Bieber cd ALL DAY LONG

Today I lost...more ounces :)

Today I decided...that I'll hit a few resale shops tomorrow on my day off with my family.

Today I need...to remember that the candy that's in the pantry isn't even that good.

Today I wish...that my daughters will never be too old to hang out with their mom.  Lilly promises me that no matter what, she'll always want to be near me.  But I know she'll feel differently just a few short years. 

If you participate, please put your link in a comment!  I'd love to see everyone else's answers!

Easiest Way To Survive A Holiday Meal

Holiday meals (in this case for me, Easter Dinner), are awesome.  So many delicious foods to sample, desserts to gorge on, and this time of year - C A N D Y!!!!

Here's some simple advice on how to survive a holiday meal with your sanity (and nutritional goals) intact:  ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE.  This year, I planned the menu with my mother in law, who is totally supportive of what I'm doing here.  On the menu?  Roasted chicken (yum)!  And I made baked potato wedges, steamed asparagus, lightened up deviled eggs, and brought dinner rolls.  My MIL made this completely and utterly awe-inspiring Dreamsicle Dessert.   I pre-planned what (and the amount) I would have of each thing and there was NO stress. 

I was able allowed myself to enjoy the experience of being with my family and my MIL, of watching the kids on their egg hunt, of having a nice (and not overdone - we usually have two to three times the amount of food we had today) meal with 4 of the most important people in my life.

This is the first holiday meal.... EVER ...... that was not a binge fest.  Where I didn't sneak back into the kitchen for one more bite....two more bites.....seven more bites.  It was heavenly!

Feeling in control is truly a wonderful feeling.

Oh and did I mention that I even had CANDY? 

Happy Easter / Passover, everyone!