I love my new Bubba Keg

My husband got me a number of wonderful things for Christmas. But something that I am becoming more and more thankful for with each passing day is my new 20 oz Bubba Keg (it looks exactly like that one over there!!!).

I am seriously drinking way more water than before, all because of my wonderful new Bubba. I'm taking it with me everywhere (except to the bathroom......that just ain't right) and I'm refilling it A LOT without really realizing it. And that's a good thing because I know that when I drink more water I'm less apt to hit the candy dish or put the extra slice of cheese on my sandwich. THANK YOU Aron (and to my new Bubba)!!!

Goodbye, Christmas! Hello, No-Man's Land!

Christmas has come and gone for another year. This is the week of each year I feel a little melancholy, a little hopeful, and a lot fat. I'll put it right out there. I freaking love Christmas. I never really remember being this excited about Christmas when I was a kid. I'm sure I was, I just don't remember it. There's not one Christmas that stands out for me when I was a kid.

My husband and I have always done Christmas in as big a way as we have been able to. Some years, not so big - others have been bigger. But no matter what our financial situation might have been at the time (and this year - NO CREDIT CARD DEBT! WE ARE CREDIT CARD DEBT FREE! - but that might be another post in an of itself some day), we have always made it special for each other. And now that we have children, we strive to make it special for them - so that they will ALWAYS have Christmas memories.

So the week-after-Christmas/week-before-New-Year's is kind of a No Man's Land for me. I feel sad that Christmas has gone (the month of December is traditionally unbearable for me because I look forward to it so much), and all the bright and shiny promise of the New Year isn't quite here yet.

However (and there's always a "however" in life).....

This year I'd like to do my best to make it different. Instead of using this week as an excuse to stuff as much as possible into my mouth in an effort to "enjoy the Christmas goodies for one last week" before the fitness craze of the New Year takes over, I've decided to spend the week getting to know the PointsPLUS system for Weight Watchers. I joined the online version last week and although I didn't look at it much, I am going to learn the ins and outs of the plan this week and do a test-run. WW has been successful for me in the past (about 9 years ago) and I'd like to see what this new system has to offer. Next week is back to the gym for me, with a plan and my new iPod (given to me by my incredibly thoughtful husband for Christmas).

I have not been the best person these past few weeks food-wise. And I haven't exercised a lick. I'm fairly certain any weight I lost before (that coveted 10 pounds) has been gained back. But although that's not really acceptable, I'm not going to hate myself for that. I'm going to do my best to move on. Isn't that what this is about? Moving on and quitting that stupid looking back crap?

I keep telling myself I can do this. And deep down I know I can. It's the doing, not the thinking, that's the hard part. But I've done lots of things that were hard. I've moved hundreds of miles away from home at age 22 to be with the man I loved. At age 26, I watched my father take his last breath. And just just 4 months ago (to the day), I suffered the miscarriage of a baby I didn't even know I was carrying. (Yeah, not many people know that. So keep it under your hats, eh). The point is, what the hell, Colleen. Yeah - I *CAN* do this.

Anxiety

I find it somewhat interesting (if that's the right word), the amount of anxiety I have over losing weight (which, for the record - not going so well these past few weeks.....why? MY fault). Maybe it's my personality, I don't know. But I find, when I stop and actually think about things, that I have so much anxiety it's almost comical (if it wasn't so sad).

There's anxiety over "losing" food.
Yeah, I said it. I sometimes have brief moments where I think, "I'm not going to have that 'comfort' shield that is food." So maybe I don't think those exact words but that's what it boils down to. "I'm not going to be able to eat as many cookies as I want!!" "No more 'bottomless' bowls of cereal!" Rationally, as I write it out it makes no freaking sense at all. But it is what it is, I guess. I think at the core of it, I use food as my shield - my excuse. It's compulsive and VERY hard to stop. I know it's easy to say, "All you have to to is stop putting the junk in your mouth." That is SO easy to say, and for someone like me, SO difficult to do. I'm not making excuses, just being honest with where my head is at.

I have this very rational side of me that knows the science of losing weight. I know that I have to eat less (and smarter), and move more. I know that I have to be very conscious and mindful of what I eat. Why, then, does my brain tell me it feels so good to "sneak" that extra bite of potatoes, or to put that extra tablespoon of mayonnaise (oh how I love it!) on a sandwich?

The thought of changing my eating habits, honestly (and most embarrassingly) makes me panic a little. For someone who has used food as an alternative to feeling emotions for 35 years, it is a very difficult emotional journey.

But I've got to be ready to do it sometime. Tyler at the 344 Pounds blog I talked about yesterday has BEEN there. He's lost a great deal of weight in the past 2 years. He's an amazing inspiration to THOUSANDS of people. And just reading his post about trying, even if we fail, was so uplifting and encouraging. I honestly know I'm not the only one to struggle on this weight loss journey thing. But dammit if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Tomorrow I'm choosing to focus on my liquid intake and I'm making a solid attempt to log what I eat. I have been stuttering along the way. I am a "DIVE RIGHT THE HELL IN" kind of gal. Maybe I need to dip my toes in the water a little first this time.

Wish me luck.

Friend Making Monday

I saw this on a few blogs and I'll admit. I kind of love these kinds of surveys. I enjoy filling them out with the delusion that everyone out there reading it is incredibly interested in my life. HA! So without further ado, here we go....


Three of your favorite movies:

1. Rosemary's Baby
2. Reservoir Dogs
3. 300

Three of your favorite things to drink:

1. Water
2. Coffee w/ peppermint mocha creamer
3. Milk

Three of your favorite songs:
to dance to:

I don't dance, but if I did:

1. "Around The World" by Daft Punk
2. "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" by Wild Cherry
3. "Jungle Boogie" by Kool And The Gang

to sing at karaoke or whilst playing Rock band:

1. "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" by David Allan Coe
2. "King of The Road" by Roger Miller
3. "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones

Three people who have been a positive influence on your life (outside of family):

1. Mrs. Nacca, my 12th grade English teacher
2. Santa Claus
3. Bing Crosby

Three things you do to keep yourself entertained:

1. Read to the kiddos (or more recently, listen to Lilly read to me)
2. Catch up on blogs
3. Play board games

Three things you're attracted to in the opposite sex:

1. Sense of Humor
2. Honesty
3. Eyes

Three things you love about yourself:

1. I'm a good mother
2. I'm funny (at least I think so)
3. I like to do things for others

Three things you're looking forward to this week:

1. Watching my daughters open up their Christmas gifts
2. Getting together with my husband's family
3. Spending extra family time together and watching more Christmas specials together!

Thanks for indulging me in my not so guilty pleasure of pretending everyone wants to know about my life! For something a bit more weight-loss related, head over to 344 Pounds to read an awesome post about the power of TRYING, not being afraid to fail......just TRYING. I'll blog more about that tomorrow.

G'night, all!

Honesty

Inspired by Trish, who writes the blog Crazy Little Thing Called LIFE and by Charlie who brings us Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt (both are EXCELLENT blogs), I decided to talk this morning about HONESTY.

The popular answer is often "I want to be healthy" when people are asked why they want to lose weight. For me, to a degree - yeah, that's true. But if you read my previous post about Vacation Planning, you'll also know that I'm thinking ahead and being extremely just a little vain about what our vacation pictures will look like next year. So yeah, that's a motivator too.

What other motivations do I have? I've mentioned before that I want to run, be active as a role model for my daughters, and be able to play more actively with them. All TRUE. These aren't my only motivations, though.

For YEARS.....ok, since FOREVER, I've always said, "eh...I hate shopping for clothes, that's just not who I am." Do you know WHY that's just not who I am? Because fat girls don't want to be reminded how fat they look 60 times in an afternoon. And not only do I not want to be reminded how fat I am while trying on new clothes, I've never really been on a "shopping trip" with a bunch of girlfriends because A)I don't have a bunch of girlfriends and B) Even if I did, I'd have a panic attack over "them" seeing me in all the outfits I've TRIED to try on.

So, truthfully, I'd love to be thinner to be able to buy some cute clothes and not these colorless smocks I seem to be wearing now. Yea, I DO hate clothes shopping. But not because shopping doesn't appeal to me....it does. I hate clothes shopping because I'm to fat to look good in much of anything, and even if I could look good in something, I am so clothing-disabled that I don't know to pick things out.

I just mentioned that I don't have a bunch of girlfriends to go shopping with even if I really wanted to. You know why that is? That's because I completely SUCK at making friends with women. I have NEVER had a friend who I had a friendship deep enough to tell ALL of my fears to. And the one friendship I HAVE had where I ALMOST felt comfortable enough to do that, has completely fizzled in the past few years. I don't have the one girlfriend who I call when I'm feeling down. I don't have those friends who I can have a "girls night out" with. And I think a big part of the reason for that is that I'm completely embarrassed by myself.

Look, I KNOW what I look like. For years I didn't have pictures taken of me because I knew they were all going to look horrible and make me want to cry. Sometimes, though, if I see a picture of me I'm still a little taken aback that I've let myself get THIS big. When my husband and I go on date night (few and far between with 2 kids), even if I do try and dress up a little, I still feel like an idiot. I don't get that feeling of feeling beautiful, though my wonderful husband tells me that I am very often.

So here it all is. I want to f-ing shop for clothes. For sexy underwear (tmi?). For cute shoes that match my outfits. I want to feel confident enough to cultivate meaningful friendships with other women. I want to WANT to be in our family pictures. I want to feel better, yes. But dammit I also want to LOOK better too. I want to like what I see in the mirror instead of averting my eyes in shame. I want to be free.

Vacation Planning

We're starting to plan our next vacation. In 2009, we went on a cruise as a family and we all loved it. What I didn't love, however, were the pictures of me on the trip. Traditionally, I am the one behind the camera, though I'm not a great photographer. I just don't care to have photos taken of me.

We're going on another family cruise in 2011 and I'll admit I'm vain enough to be thinking about what the photos are going to look like. We're wanting to go in early August. So that means I've got about 8 months to get my ass in gear. Now understand I'm not wanting to lose weight just for the trip. That would be pointless. Once the trip was done, I'd probably go right back to the way I was. I want to lose weight so I can ENJOY it more, certainly - but I want to lose the weight to be healthy. To take a run when I want to. To play with my kids more fully. To be more present in their lives. To kick some of the depression I get that creeps in. But man, oh man. Those pictures will be nice.

The picture above was taken on that trip - on a shore excursion to some Mayan ruins in Mexico. Trust me, it wasn't easy to climb even up to where I was, especially with the kids. I don't want to choose shore excursions according to what my size will allow me to do. I want to walk on the beach in a swimsuit and not feel like everyone's saying, "Holy shit, look at that fattie." I want to swim with my children in the ocean free of shame. I want to not hinder their experiences because of my weight.

Bahamas in August 2011? You're damn right!

Food Addiction

I haven't blogged in a while. Truth told, I've had a bad couple of weeks. Food-wise, losing-weight-wise, whatever. I do indeed plan on signing up with Weight Watchers online but feel incredibly guilty doing so before Christmas. It's a money issue. I'll do it the last week of December, I swear on my babies.

I've been thinking about addictions the past several days. In particular, food addiction. I have a vicious cycle I allow myself to get caught up in and it's this: do great with exercise / food intake, get complacent, eat too much and trust myself to stop / gain weight / give up.

So I went to FoodAddicts.org and read through their checklist of what makes a food addict. Here it is, along with my candid, often times embarrassing answers.

Are you a food addict?

To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?

Yes. Quite often. Once I say, "I'm done" and push the plate away, if I don't get up right away and take care of the plate, I still keep picking. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly?

I don't know that I'd say constantly, but yes - quite a lot. I've become hyper-sensitive about it - really dating back to last fall (2009) when we went on a cruise and the vacation pictures of me were completely embarrassing.

3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?

I don't attempt one after another, no. But consistency and sticking with something is my real problem.

4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?

No. I just binge.

5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?

Yes. I eat larger quantities and types of foods when alone than in front of others. This is stupid, I know. And you'd think that because I'd be embarrassed eating the way I have in private if I were with someone that I'd stop. But I don't.

6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?

The only one who ever did that to me was my father, who passed away 9 years ago. I'm sure many others have wanted to. But he was the only one who had the guts to do it. And it hurt my feelings then.

7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)?

Yes. Not sure what else to say to that.

8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?

I don't think so. I think it's due to the fact that mostly I'm lazy and can't stop eating. Well I can, I just don't.

9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings?

I don't think I eat to escape from my feelings, but I do eat to "deal" with them. Which, yes - I know it doesn't work.

10 Do you eat when you're not hungry?

Yes.

11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?

Embarrassingly, yes.

12 Do you eat in secret?

Again, it's excruciatingly embarrassing, but yes, I do.

13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?

I have never been able to do that.

14 Have you ever stolen other people's food?

"Stolen" as in from a store or something: no. I have stolen bites off other people's plates, though (mostly my kids. I know, it's horrible.)

15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"

Not to make sure I had "enough," but so that other people wouldn't know what I was eating or planning to eat.

16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?

I sometimes wish I did.

17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?

No.

18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?

Every. Single. Day.

19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"

I don't think it will "begin" once I lose weight. But I think it will be fuller.

20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?

Yes, yes, and double-triple yes.

So to sum it up, I have 13 "yes" answers and 7 "no" answers. This is what www.FoodAddicts.org says about a possible food addiction:

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.

Sounds as flippant as a stupid Jeff Foxworthy joke, doesn't it? I think it's pretty clear what category I might fit into. Now I need to figure out why, and what to do about it. Either way it really opened my eyes to a few things. IT IS SO EASY to slip into old habits. SO FREAKING EASY. But sometimes things that aren't easy are the ones most worth pursuing.

How have you all been doing?

My Picks For the Cherry On Top Award

I'm passing along the Cherry On Top award to 5 bloggers who I think add that little something extra to their blog. It's my hope that they'll in turn hand it out to 5 bloggers that they think are awesome, too. Here they are (in no particular order):

Maggie at I'm losing it...
Maggie is on a quest to lose over 150 pounds and you want to know how many she's lost so far? ONE HUNDRED TWENTY-FOUR. I'm not kidding. This woman oozes inspiration. She had a goal and is sticking with it, even on days she doesn't feel like it. I always enjoy reading her posts and seeing updated pictures of her weight loss journey.

Shannon at Even A Pig Knows When They've Had Enough!
I read Shannon's blog because she's real life. She and her husband are raising oodles of kids yet she still finds time to get her fitness on. I'm so pleased that she's back after a long (and painful) hiatus!

Charlie at Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt
I'm finding Charlie's humor something I look forward to each day. She (like the rest of the world) faces obstacles and roadblocks. But Charlie uses her faith and humor to guide her which I think is an awesome combination. She's damn near the 70 pounds lost mark and I'm so excited for her! Thanks to her I now use the phrase "Clorox Wipe" as a verb.

Pam at Plump Nonfiction
I'm fairly new to Pam's blog but she is rockin' the Weight Watchers plan hardcore and is making it sound more and more appealing to me. So appealing in fact, that I'm thinking about seriously considering going to sign up for the online program on Monday. Because I'm new to her blog I've been taking my time reading her past posts. What I love the most is the enthusiasm!

Andrew at 100 Pounds
Like me, Andrew's staring down 100 pounds that he's got to lose. He's more than halfway there. I like his wit and humor as well. I also like that he's linked through Facebook so that I don't miss any new posts! Andrew doesn't seem afraid of his goals and is just going for them. It's very fascinating for me to see a guy who has the same goal as me and how he's going about reaching it.

There are many other blogs that I read but these 5 were the ones I felt I needed to give an award to. Their posts are awesome and often pick me up on my "down" days. Thanks to all of you and please pass on the love!

I won! I won! I won!

Hey! I won an award! Jayne over at Fat, Angry blog -- it's f*cking FAB! gave me the "Cherry On Top" Award for having a "beautiful blog with a little something extra." I must say I'm touched. I know she follows A LOT of blogs and I'm pleased that she's found something in mine that she likes. My journey is just beginning but I plan to be here for the long haul. Stay tuned as I award the Cherry On Top award to 5 blogs that I feel are awesome and give that little something extra!

Thanks again, Jayne!! You rock!! (And I wish I could award it back to you!!)

Super Duper Extra Busy

When my husband and I started our webstore, Fun Beyond Driven, we had no idea it would be *THIS* busy in the months of November and December. Granted, we're not a huge operation by any means but with both of us having full time jobs, and the webstore on top of that (not to mention our two very busy and energetic daughters), we have very little down time.

Which is why I haven't been blogging much.

Forgive me, I will update ASAP, perhaps this evening. In the meantime I hope everyone is striving, striving, striving toward their goals! How are ya'll doing?

Weekend Break

I kind of "unplugged" this weekend. I wasn't online much at all, and truthfully it was kind of nice. I'm sort of a Facebook addict - well, not an addict really, but I do quite a bit of Facebooking from my phone. And I leave the laptop open pretty much all day with Facebook up and running. But this weekend I just didn't.

I didn't blog, either. Ya'll missed me, didn't you?

I've got an under-the-weather 2 year old today, so that means my gym plans are put to the side, at least for another day. But that's ok. My kid comes before the gym.

I've been pondering something, maybe you guys can help me. Many years ago I joined Weight Watchers and went to meetings. This was several years after I was married but before I had children. I lost 50 pounds actually quite easily. Then life happened and I got away from it. Fast forward about 10 years. There are no meetings in my area that I can attend due to work / kid obligations. So I'm considering doing the online program. Do any of you do that? A good cyber friend recommended it and I'm seriously considering it. What do you all think?

Taking On A Challenge

I was reading Andrew's blog over at 100 Pounds. He's challenged himself to lose TWENTY pounds in the month of December and asked if anyone else was with him in creating a challenge for themselves in the month of December.

My first thought was, "Andrew's a loon if he thinks I can lose a significant amount of weight in December." I'll be lucky not to gain. I mean come on....the Christmas cookies, the candy, the oh-so-decadent Christmas POTLUCK party my husband and I host every year.... NOT FREAKING POSSIBLE, I thought.

But then I thought again. Why the hell not? Who says this December has to be the same as every other calorie-laden one I've spent on earth. Seriously - if ever there were a month for me to learn about celebrating holidays with PEOPLE rather than with FOOD, December's the one.

So while I'm not shooting for a loss of 20 pounds in December, I am making a challenge for myself in the month of December. I want that magazine subscription I've been promising myself for 20 pounds lost. I want to reach Milestone #2 by December 31.

Anyone else with me in creating a challenge for themselves this month? It doesn't have to be a number of pounds you want to lose, maybe you want to focus on a facet of your journey that you struggle with - like food journaling (still working on that, folks), or your daily water intake, or counting calories. Any positive challenge is a good one!

Eh....

Today, food-wise....not so great. Didn't flog - that's not good.

Tomorrow's another day right? On the upside, we had one of my very favorite dinners in the world tonight - Roasted Curry Cauliflower with Saffron Rice. So f-ing good. I was a snacking fool, though and the fact that I didn't journal it all made me...hell, I don't know. Justify it, I guess.

November has surely been the busiest month ever. With our webstore taking off and all the holiday orders we've gotten (in addition to my "real" job and a family to take care of), time is at a premium.

Oh and did I mention that we've been watching the series Dexter? NO SPOILERS PLEASE! We're on Season 3, episode 7, I think. I could seriously sit down and watch the whole season as a marathon if I had no other responsibilities. We've been staying up way too late to watch it but it is so freaking good.

Anyway - onward and upward. I'm going to bed, resting, and going to be bright-eyed (even if I have to use coffee to do it) for the day.

Yesterday's Flog / Leave Me Alone, Carbs

I successfully flogged for a second day in a row. Today's challenge? Keep on flogging, but make better choices. Isn't that what flogging's all about?

Here's the damage from yesterday:

Breakfast: Bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats w/ milk
AM Snack - 1/2 oz cheese, 16 oz water
Lunch: 1 C leftover stuffing, 3/4 C leftover hashbrown casserole
PM Snack: 1/4 C chocolate chips
Supper: 1 C basil cream pasta, 3/4 C mixed vegetables, 2 pieces garlic bread
10pm snack: Cup of coffee w/ sugar and creamer, 100 cal rice crispie treat

Ok. So let's look at that a minute. First of all I'm thankful the Thanksgiving leftovers are FINALLY finished. I LOVE LOVE LOVE stuffing and am glad I only make it once a year. This year I made it with soy sausage, celery, onions and fresh sage. And a lot of butter. Glad it's gone.

PM snack was a good choice. I was hungry for something sweet and could easily have eaten much more. Did I tell you that I still have Girl Scout cookies in my pantry? Someone ordered 4 boxes and hasn't paid for / picked them up yet. And my husband and I are wondering what the statute of limitations are on said cookies. I'm surprised they haven't been torn into yet.

Supper, in and of itself wasn't horrible. I could have done with just one piece of garlic bread, a little less pasta and more vegetables. It wasn't the supper I had planned but yesterday was VERY SUPER hectic with our webstore (www.funbeyonddriven.com) - seems there's a present-giving holiday coming up that people are shopping for. A Lot. Add that to full time daycare and yesterday being Dance / Girl Scouts day for my oldest daughter and you'll understand why a lot of things I planned yesterday didn't get done.

So, live and learn. Isn't that what this is all about? I saved some coffee from the pot we brewed last night so I could have a coffee/mocha Shakeology this morning (I have 2 leftovers from my Three Day Cleanse from earlier in the month). Life is always going to be hectic in some way or another. I just have to be mindful of what I'm doing (the flog is really helping with that) and take things one day at a time.