Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It's been a while

..............but if there are any of you folks still hanging around this dusty old place, you know that.

Weight loss for me, lately....well it's sucked.  I've sucked at it, is more the correct term to use.  I was talking to a very dear friend today and something came to me.  I need to do more work on my "why" of my food addiction.  I can have howevermany (that's a new real word, y'all can use it if you want!) great weeks in a row, but the fact of the matter is, something will always pull me back into the abyss.

Truth is, the abyss is both more comfortable and more terrifying than taking control of your life and turning it in the direction you want it to go.  You can pretend to be happy and fat all you want, but I'd venture to guess that those of use who are fat out there (myself included) aren't truly happy.  Of course we're not.  It has nothing to do with appearance, either - (though I will admit to sometimes wishing I could fit into those smaller, cuter clothes).  I know that myself I can't be happy knowing that who I am right now is less than who I want to be.

I think I need to say that louder.

Who I am right now is less than who I want to be.

So, I know the science behind changing that.  Eat less (and cleaner) and move more.  And I can do those things, I know I can.  But why am I the "less-of-a" person than I want to be?  I know I have issues dating back to childhood (seriously, who among us doesn't?)  I do know that when my pantry has bare spots in it, I get a little panicky and feel a sense of peace when it's full again.  I know that when I think about the eating less and cleaner part of the equation that I also get a little panicky at the thought of giving up or limiting certain kinds of foods (which honestly does not bother me once I start to do it).  I know that when I'm doing well I feel stronger and more confident about myself - but have those days where I just want to say "screw it" and go back to not caring.....and in those times of weakness I either give in to that or I don't and become even stronger.

I'm starting to put this together because, honestly, I don't want to be this person forever.  I truly don't.  Many people have said, "go to counseling!" And while that's probably a great idea, I just can't justify that expense for something that is inside my own mind and I need to do the work to pull out.

So I can't promise I'll write here often, but I will write.  I'll write when I need to and I hope you'll read.  Or if you don't, that's ok too.  Because in reality I need to write more than have what I write read.
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