Sunday, August 29, 2010

Ready to Take on A New Week!

I am ready to take on a new week! How about ya'll?

My brother has started a great blog full of awesome fitness tips. Check it out here:

Follow him!!

Are you scared?

I confess I'm sort of scared of certain foods. As if the food had the power, not me (which if I'm being honest - and why not... it still kind of does - but not for long). For me the two big food groups that are the most frightening are sweets and pasta. I know, I know, they're not technical food groups but in my twisted little world they are. There are not many sweets that I don't like. I love everything chocolate / caramel / coconut / peanut butter / cakey / and ooey gooey. So of course, being some of my favorite things to eat, I tend to overindulge a little. Pasta is the other biggie. I love Italian food, and love all the yummy sauces and cheeses that go with it.

So when planning our menu for the week, my darling husband says, "I'd really like to have some lasagna." Now, naturally we do a meat-less version, but that just usually means it's got way more cheese than it ought to have. I have a hard time denying my husband just about anything because he hardly ever asks for anything. So we had lasagna last night. And OH MAN was it good.

But again, I portion-ized it and felt good about that. Yay for portions and I will tell you, I enjoyed the hell out of every single bite that I had!

What foods are you scared of?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Bringing It Back

I won't kid ya'll, it's been a crappy week. Without giving too much information, my lady junk was rebelling and I had a couple of days with migraines. Have not been to the gym since a week ago today, but I did do a few days of yoga in the mornings in an attempt to get my body back in order. Not only did I not go to the gym all week, I also ate not-so-great (I know this because again, I did not journal it).

However, I went back to the gym this morning and completely ROCKED 25 minutes on the elliptical. I finally borrowed my husband's iPod and brought some music. I usually watch/listen to the news. But guess what? I worked MUCH harder with music (Thank you, "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" by Iron Maiden!)

It was a great workout and just what I needed to get back on track!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bleh / Uggh!

I'd like to say that my momma told me there'd be days like this but the fact is my momma didn't tell me much of anything. Yesterday it was about 4pm before I even realized what I was doing. I had been eating ALL DAY. It was like I was an out of control freak. Then I realized why: My oldest daughter started Kindergarten yesterday and I was stress eating. So I had a salad wrap for dinner and some steamed vegetables and called it a night, eating-wise.

Seriously, though...I'm not rationalizing a damn thing here, but at least I RECOGNIZED and STOPPED it. Today I'm back on track. I'm not going to let one day derail me! One thing I know I didn't do yesterday was journal my food intake. I'm back to that today.

Thanks to all of you for the help and support. And here's my little sweety all ready for her first day!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Weekend round-up

I just want to bring up a point here, and hopefully by writing it down, my fool brain will accept it as truth. IF YOU EAT IT, IT COUNTS - EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE SEES YOU. For some reason in my head I take extra bites, eat an extra cookie, etc and feel like I'm "getting away" with something if nobody sees me. I know in my head this juvenile and childish. Seriously, deep down, I don't believe those calories don't count. But honestly I wish I knew why I did such things. It's embarrassing and frankly I'm disgusted by the habit.

I've been doing fairly good all week. However, once the weekend came, my water consumption went by the wayside. I ate a little more here and here than I should have. I baked cookies with my daughters yesterday (although, admittedly - they were re-vamped and were about 55 calories each) and ate about 4 or 5 too many of those.

Also my 2 year old is up this morning. She woke up as I as heading downstairs to leave for the gym. So I stayed here with her so Aron can do his yoga this morning - I'll head to the gym tomorrow. I usually go 3 mornings a week (M, W, F). This week I'll just go T, W, F. No big deal.

I'm going to have another good week if it kills me.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Please, just allow me to ramble

Yesterday I met my daughter's Kindergarten teacher. That may not seem like a monumental occasion, but it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. For the past several weeks (just ask my husband), I've been sort of weepy over the thought of sending our daughter to Kindergarten, mostly because she's really very rarely been away from me all day....ever. Sending her to PreK last year was bad enough but now it's really real that it's the whole day I'm sending her to school.

But yesterday it hit me - it's the whole day I'm sending her to school FOR THE REST OF HER SCHOOL CAREER. It's like t his giant milestone that jumped up from the middle of the road and rammed into the side of my head. I'm not dealing well with it - but I know she is going to love it and her teacher is so wonderful that I think it's going to be a fantastic year. I'll have to do more adjusting than she will.

On a weight-loss note, Lilly picked Pizza Hut to eat at yesterday for lunch. Aron and I both had the day off and the four of us spent the whole day together to celebrate Lil's last day of summer vacation. So. I started off the meal with a HUGE salad. Yum, and I felt good about that. Then I moved on to 1 1/2 breadsticks and two SMALL pieces of pizza. Double yum and I felt good about that, too. It was the buffet that we had and I decided to have some dessert...I got ONE cinnamon breadstick (well technically two - but they were the full sized ones cut in half). And you know what? I believe I sort of proved to myself that I can handle a buffet. For crap's sake, IT'S ONLY FOOD! But yeah, I keep telling myself that but honestly I'm not quite "there" mentally.

Anyway. Overall it was a good day. Went to the gym later than normal (which was nice not to have to be there at 5:30am). At the beginning of the week I fell in love with the elliptical machine but could only do 10 minutes, remember? Well yesterday I did 20 and felt AWESOME! So honestly, I couldn't be more pleased :-)

Friday, August 20, 2010

Bite me, Wednesday

You know, for some reason I'm just not pleased with yesterday. I don't know why. I didn't have a horrible eating day. I could have done better in spots, but it wasn't horrible and it wasn't like the "old" Colleen. But for some reason Wednesday just isn't settling right with me. I guess I'll just have to kick Thursday's ass to teach Wednesday a lesson.

I have the day off work so I'm heading to the gym a little later than usual. But that also means (since Aron, too, has the day off) that I'll be able to work out just a bit longer than I normally would be able to. Looking forward to meeting my oldest daughter's Kindergarten teacher today....not looking forward to sending her to full-day school on Monday.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Making up For Yucky Brownies

Yesterday at my daycare the girls (I have all girls in my care) wanted to make brownies, so we did. But I substituted the oil for unsweetened applesauce. Despite having to bake them an additional 20 minutes, they came out pretty good. They were tasty. We iced them and put sprinkles on them because really, shouldn't all desserts have sprinkles? We were having a party celebrating the coming school year.

So I ate one. And it was so sweet I couldn't finish it. And it made me sick to my stomach for HOURS. It made me not want sweet things for a very long time. This is a good thing because as I mentioned before I LOVE SWEETS.

So to make up for the brownie atrocity we had cereal for supper. We don't do that often but it was just perfect last night. We were supposed to have pierogies and caramelized onions and those did not sound good to any of us. So we had cereal instead.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Potato Salad, You Can Kindly Release The Hold You Have on Me

So last night I made vegetarian chili-dogs for supper and potato salad. Potato salad is one of those things that, for me, is a specialized kind of dish. I LOVE it. I mean, what's not to love? Potatoes, mayo, egg, crunchy celery, more mayo and a little mustard (plus celery seed, salt and pepper). But, I must admit, I'm sort of a potato salad snob. I don't really like anyone else's potato salad. And I don't make it often because I love it so much I could probably eat the whole bowl.

I admit my trepidation while making the salad last night (and might I say, I'm pretty proud of myself for snacking on celery stalks while I cooked. I'm traditionally a "eat a lot while cooking" kind of person. Celery stalks I can live with. So I'm freaking out a little while making the potato salad. But then I stupid. It's potato salad for crap's sake. Potato-freaking-salad. I don't HAVE to eat it all. In fact, just to show it who's boss, I'm going to eat a NORMAL portion. And I did.

I am proud of the day I had yesterday. I rock.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Starting the week off right...

Are you ready? I can actually say that I'm very proud of yesterday as a whole for me. I started the day off great with a fantastic workout, I (seriously, start the trumpets and celebration music here) EXERCISED PORTION CONTROL - ALL DAY! Seems a pretty elementary thing, but it's a huge accomplishment for me. Also, I kept a food journal all day and I avoided what I call "insanity snacks." For me, these are the ones that happen after the girls go to bed. My husband and I both have a huge sweet tooth, and we love anything cake-y & sweet. But last night - no such snacks or any other for that matter. Excellent day all around (except for my youngest's temper tantrums, but that's neither here nor there, that's all in a day's work when you've got a 2 year old).

I started today with a fantastic Kundalini Yoga workout: Fat Free Yoga for Beginners & Beyond w/ Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. It's completely awesome and I'll tell you why: You can design your own workout with several options to choose from so it never gets boring. And not only does it work your body but you emotional issues as well through various forms of breathing exercises and meditations. Excellent stuff!

Here's to an awesome Tuesday as well. My plan is to have one great day at a time and string them together into a week. Then string those weeks into a month, and so on...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Hello, Elliptical......F You, Scale

First, the good news. I tried a new machine at the gym this morning: the elliptical trainer. And I tell you what, it sorta kicked my butt (in a good way). I had never tried it before but I really liked the combination of working the legs and arms at the same time. Now, I'll be honest with you - I could only do 10 minutes of it. I finished out my cardio on the treadmill doing interval training with alternating levels of incline. But boy did I feel refreshed after.

Now, the bad news. I weighed in today and gained 1.2 pounds. I was not happy about this and considered throwing a big "F YOU!" at the scale. But it's not the scale's fault. It's MY fault. I'm owning this. Nobody's fault but my own.

Now normally this is the part in my fitness regime where I say, "screw it, I'll always be fat no matter what" and quit. But I AM NOT QUITTING. You hear that, fat residing on my person? I AM NOT QUITTING!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I wrestle with weekends

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Before the weekend started I intended to do really well this weekend and planned quite a lot of it out. I figure that's something I need to do - a bit more planning and a lot less "figuring it out as I go." Because yeah - I've tried that and look where it got me.

So I knew I was going out to lunch w/ Aron yesterday. Did pretty good, really - I had a chicken caesar (I know - could have done without the caesar) wrap with tortilla chips on the side. Lemon water to drink. Good deal there. Then we headed to do some shopping and to Starbucks for a treat. I got a grande light frappuccino, 150 calories. Fantastic flavor and literally a fraction of the calories of a regular frapp. Good there, right?

Then we went to a friend's house to watch a movie and there were snacks. Oh sweet jesus there were snacks. Chips, cookies, cheese & crackers, pretzels. I'm not even going to tell you how much of all that crap I ate because quite frankly it's a little embarrassing. Then I came home and had a buffalo chicken (we use soy chicken patties) and fried potatoes for dinner. And seriously, as I was cleaning up supper and standing over the frying pan that contained the potatoes and onions, wolfing down a few bites, I was so completely disgusted with myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? No self control, that's what's wrong with me. And I know that if I want to lose any of this weight that's where I've got to start. So, here I am. Starting. This is a new day, right? It's my goal to make it a good one I can feel great about when I lay down to sleep tonight. I'm sick of regrets and hating myself for my weaknesses. It's time to clean up the weak and make myself a little stronger, day by day.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

What is addiction?

How can you tell when you're addicted to something? Junkies rarely think they have a problem when it's so obvious to everyone else. And fundamentally, it seems, addiction is the lack of control you have over participating in a certain activity.

I see people able to control themselves at a buffet, able to stop eating when the meal's over and put supper away without taking more bites of things. I wonder to myself, where the hell does that come from in me? Why doesn't my brain say, "Meal's over lady. Time to shut it down." Because I do pick. Sometimes off my kid's plates, sometimes out of the pan of whatever it was that I cooked....even if I'm full.

I find myself almost daydreaming about food. My husband and I get a date today (YAHOO! - Doesn't happen very often!) and I've known for a few weeks about it. What is the one thing I've been planning in my head? Where we're going to eat and what I'm going to order. Why should that be the main thing of our date in my head? I'm so excited to be spending time with him but seriously, I have not been able to stop thinking about going out to eat.

It's embarrassing, this problem I have with eating. I know how ugly it looks and I know the consequences it brings me. I'm trying so hard to stop and I'm at least conscious of it now. I do truly and honestly love to eat. How do I change my thinking?

Friday, August 13, 2010

Mid-Week Peek?

Does anyone else do a mid-week peek at the scale? I don't know why the hell I do, because usually I'm just mad at myself for not waiting until Monday to weigh in. It's like I can't control myself, but I know I need to. Yeah, heard that before where I'm concerned. Feeling blue today, a little bit. But quickly getting out of my funk and looking forward to the weekend!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Drive On

There's a song by Johnny Cash called "Drive On." You can hear/watch it here, if you're so inclined:

Listening to the lyrics, it's about persistence....something I'm not really known for. I start things but don't have great follow through. I love newness, excitement. I guess I allow myself to get bored easily. Once the shine and sparkle wear off, more often than not I move on.

This time I'm determined to DRIVE ON. Yesterday: not the greatest "clean eating" day. I overindulged a little. I still have a lot to learn about myself and my over indulgences. I'm the kind of girl who normally would just eat and eat and eat and eat until I was WAY more than "Thanksgiving-Full."

Pasta is my major weakness. We had baked tortellini last night with garlic bread. Normally, that would be the meal with some steamed vegetable of some kind. I'd like to tell you that normally the vegetable is the biggest serving on my plate but we all know that I didn't get like this by having my biggest portions be vegetables. Hell no. My biggest portion is always the pasta and the bread. Guess I'm a carb girl.

Anyway, after having had a piece of cake after lunch yesterday, I should have just stopped freaking eating for the day. But I didn't. However, I had a "normal" sized portion of pasta and ONE piece of garlic bread. Also, to start off, I had a big side salad which was awesome. Still - I felt like I had overindulged from the rest of the day's excesses (lunch didn't go to well).

However, since I choose to DRIVE ON, I have a new motto: Yesterday Is Yesterday. It's done with and there's nothing I can do to change it. Today is a new day and it's going to be a great one!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Excuses heard in my brain last night / this morning why I SHOULDN'T go to the gym this morning:

I'm sick to my stomach (I wasn't, really. Just a little)
I deserve a little extra sleep
I should let Aron have the extra time to do his yoga in peace w/o having to listen for the girls
I have too much to do
It was going to be an extra workout anyway, no reason to feel guilty if I don't do it
I'm too sleepy
I have a headache
I'll be too tired tomorrow

Guess what? For once, I didn't listen to the excuses and I just went anyway and had a great workout. I'm so glad that I did! Woohoo!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Monday, Monday

Got up this morning at 5:04am. On purpose. I got ready and headed to the YMCA. Once I get out and about I sort of get excited about my workout because I know it's a new opportunity to start a day totally right. So, I decided to do my new favorite thing - I turned on the news, hopped on the treadmill and alternated: 4 min brisk walk with 0 incline, 5 minutes brisk walk with a 4 incline. I really like gets my heart rate up and I sweat my buns off but I don't feel like I'm going to die. Last week I was only able to do 20 minutes of this. Today I pushed it to 30. May not sound like a lot but I felt FANTASTIC after and can't wait to push it some more at my next workout.

I decided to weigh myself on Mondays instead of Fridays. Weighing on Mondays keeps me accountable on the weekends instead of "celebrating" a loss for the week over the weekend with food when I weigh on Fridays. Anyway, I weighed this morning when I got back from my workout. 1.8 pounds lost. That's with fair food and going out for a big lunch at Joe's Crab Shack. This week's going to be even better!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Growing Up Fat

I wasn't always this big, obviously. My family didn't always have the healthiest attitude toward food. There is photographic evidence (somewhere) that as a child of about 5, I actually had skinny (?!?) knees. I was the little girl with long blond hair, usually put up in braids, with skinny little knees.

For as much as I can tell, my weight must have started rising somewhere in the neighborhood of first least that's when I became conscious of it. And then there is the episode in 5th grade where, when standing in line to go to somewhere other than our classroom, Todd Allen started teasing me that I was "as big as a whale" and the girl behind me was "as small as a snail." A stupid comment by a kid who just wanted to make someone else feel horrible about themselves and it worked. I rarely went out on the playground the rest of that year, in fear that I'd get teased more. That is the year that I started keeping to myself more. The year I started pretending that being teased didn't bother me.

And honestly, looking back at photos of myself, I was probably bigger for my age, but I wasn't an obese child or anything. I am not blaming my parents in any way, but I never once remember limits being put on food as a child. I don't remember them telling me I couldn't have candy any time I wanted it or that I should slow down on desserts. My father was the "Grease King" and LOVED cooking with bacon great (not just cooking with it - but sopping it up with bread for a snack).

When I was little, my mother was mildly overweight, but my father never was. My husband isn't even a little over weight and my daughters are too young to really understand "fat." They just love me for who I am. They're not old enough to be embarrassed by me yet. It's important to me to be a good example to my daughters. I don't want them to ever have the fears and lack of self-confidence that I've had.

So really, yeah - this journey is for me. But in a big way it's for them too.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Fair, Redone

Last night we went to the county fair. Normally this would be an excuse to eat anything and everything that presented itself to me. Corndog? Yeah! Funnel Cake? Yeah! Cotton Candy? Yeah! "Well it's only once a year....." would be my rationalization. I rationalize things pretty well, I think. Or maybe too well. I don't know if it's too well or not well enough. Either way, "ratoinalize" is just another way to spell "excuse."

So last night, here's what we did: We bought a blackberry shake-up (way better than the lemon ones!) and ONE funnel cake and we shared both things among the four of us. And because two children were involved, Aron and I didn't get much of either (which was kind of the point). We all enjoyed what we had and just enjoyed being together more than the food. Maybe that's not as hard as I thought it was. Great time had by all!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Better Than Sex?

Yesterday, I made a "Better Than Sex" cake. I don't know that it's better than sex, but it's pretty damn good. You know the kind - you bake a german chocolate cake and drizzle sweetened condensed milk and caramel sauce over it and then top it with whipped cream and toffee pieces? Yeah. That kind.

Well I baked it for my husband to take to his lodge meeting and I'm cursing those men because they didn't finish the damn thing. It's in the refrigerator now and it sorta screams at me every time I open the refrigerator door. "EAT ME!" And man do I want to. But I'm not going to. At least right now.

I've been drinking water all day, and lots of it. Any time I lose any amount of weight, I have been drinking a lot of water. And I worked out this morning (see previous "F You Bob Harper" post). So I don't want to ruin it. Plus we're going to the fair tonight. Chances are at least a little bit of a funnel cake will find it's way to my belly. So I'm trying to prepare for that.

Better than sex? No f-ing way.

F You, Bob Harper

I just spent 30 minutes doing "Weight Loss Yoga" with Bob Harper from "The Biggest Loser" fame. I have but one thing to say to him: F YOU. The amount of time he wants to you stay in poses is super-human. That being said, I feel fantastic and am ready to start my day!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Love Affair

So I've been thinking today, after having begun this blog, that what I've got going on here is a love affair with food. Honestly, yes, exercise isn't so much my favorite. However, I can see myself getting to like it once I'm not so damn fat. One of my biggest problems is this love affair I have with food. Love affair, addiction....whatever. Truth is, I freaking love to eat. And the stuff I love to eat traditionally isn't "health food."

True, I do like some healthy stuff. But I'd rather be eating pasta alfredo, cake, ice cream, or just about any kind of cheese you can think of. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm hungry (shock!) but the truth is I'm not often truly hungry because I usually eat so much. Portion control is like a dirty word, or has been.

You know the old phrase "admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery?" I've used that line about sixteen million times to get a laugh. But I really think it applies here. I am not going to be a size 10 overnight. I have to admit I have a problem, and by god I do have a problem. I can't picture myself as one of those people who says, "No thank you" when offered a piece of cake. But I honestly do think that I can be one of those people who can say "yes please" and compensate for it. Extra gym time. Fewer calories the next day (or even better, the day before to prepare for it). I CAN be that girl who savors every bite instead of wolfing down my meal (which always leaves me wanting more). I really CAN do this.

Thoughts of the Past

I've never been a calorie counter. I used to go to Weight Watchers religiously and while on that program I lost 50 pounds. I thought I could do it on my own! Guess what. I couldn't.

So here I am, 9 years later, and I'm not in a position to go to Weight Watchers meetings, nor do I really want to get back into being a "POINTS" Nazi. I don't want to count calories either. But chances are before it's all said and done I'll have to do some kind of math.

I sit here thinking, "What made me so successful last time?" Well, for one, I had a lot more time on my hands. This was what I like to call "Life Before Kids," you know - when you had time to yourself, could workout or go for a walk whenever you felt like it, and in general had time to focus on yourself. Now that I have two wonderful and adorable children, that time has gone the way of the Do-Do Bird. I have a window of opportunity for working out - from 5:30am (when my local YMCA opens) to 6:30AM when I must return and get them ready for the day (as Aron, my darling husband) has to be ready to work by 7am.

So what, right? Quit making excuses, fatty. Get up and go to the gym. Doesn't have to be just three days a week. I could go all five weekdays if I wanted. I can't imagine Aron telling me NO!

A Single Step, Right?

You know, "they" (whoever "they" are) say that a journey begins with but a single step, right? Well, this is my single step. I am SICK and TIRED of being a fat girl. I'm sick of being described as
"that funny heavyset girl with glasses." And you know, the people describing me that way are right.

So here I am. I am letting it all hang out as it were. I am making a commitment to be healthier. Drink more water, eat less, exercise more and all that crap. Single step, my ass. Feels more like a giant leap, but that's ok. Maybe some jumping is in order.

Thanks for joining me, if anyone's going to read this. If not, that's ok too. This is the time. This is MY time.
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