Digging Out - My Intentions

First of all I want to say thank you to all the wonderful responses to my last post about wanting to give up.  I believe my friend wonderful friend over at A Last Confession had it completely right when she said I'm just not going to make quitting an option. (And by the way, I strongly urge you to read her blog.  She speaks of things we all think of but often can't articulate.  That's free therapy right there, folks).

I've been a quitter many many times before.  Too many to count.  And the complete and honest truth is that right now, I feel fatter than I felt 35 pounds ago (that might have something to do with the parade of eating options I've made the past few days).  But that being said, even though I'm physically feeling that way......I seriously can't wait to run again tomorrow.  Every time I complete a run I'm already thinking forward to the next run.  I'm heading into the 4th week of my 5k training tomorrow.  And I am in love with it.

So what are my intentions?  I'm moving forward.  I'm going to reach my goal.  I'm going to set actions in motion to reach those goals.  So what I feel fat right now?  I won't feel like this forever.

I've got lots of great support (including right here) and I know for a fact I'm going to be just fine.

And so are all of you!

There Are Some Days You Feel You Just Can't Go On

People often tell me how positive and upbeat I am.  How inspirational (still don't believe that one) and energetic I am.  But there are days, like today and the last few, where I feel anything but those things.  Where I feel like I'm a fraud and I'll never lose another pound.  Days where I feel like I'll be fat

FOREVER.

I have days where I feel like no matter how far I've come mentally and physically, I just want to say "to hell with it" and throw in the towel. 

I WANT TO QUIT.

Part of this attitude right now is me feeling sick.  And of course, unlike most people, when I'm sick I just want to eat.  And eat.  And eat.  And eat.  And I'm rarely sick.  But still.  It's this feeling gnawing at me.  I feel like I want to sit down and just give up.

But a lot of it is that this shit I'm doing is hard.  I've come to a point in my journey where I'm really enjoying exercise.  I am really putting a lot of effort into the C25K program and I'm seeing results.  But the eating?  Holy cannoli (yes, I want about 5 of those), am I ever going to get the eating thing down?  I will do completely and totally awesome and track everything and stay within my points for a long time and then.....BAM.  I'm flat on my face again.

But.

Just because quitting is the easy thing, doesn't mean it's the right thing. I  know I have to ride this low and tough it out and get back on top.  But holy crap does it make me want to cry and scream and duct tape my mouth shut.

You can tell when I'm not doing that well when I'm quiet here.  I really ought to get back to blogging more often, even if I have to do it through tears or from an anger management class. 

How are ya'll doing?  Let me know - good, bad, or ugly.  I care about all of you!

GET OUT OF THAT DAMN BED!

It's no secret that while I was on vacation I didn't work out.  But when I got back, I mapped out my plan of attack for getting back on the horse (figuratively), as it were.  Yesterday I had scheduled a visit to the gym, which I missed.  I did so some pushups/crunches, etc.  Today's scheduled workout was Week 2, Day 3 of the C25K Program (which essentially trains people like me with no running experience to go from the couch to being able to run a 5k or 30 minutes continuously). 

I set my alarm for 4:40 am.  Doesn't that seem even just a little obscene?  I hit the snooze button.  My whole family still seems EXHAUSTED from our trip and we're all trying to find our mojo again.  That 9 minute sleep between snooze alarms can seem like a blessing or a curse.  When my alarm rang again at 4:49, I hit snooze again and whispered, "I hate you" to my alarm clock.  I closed my eyes and thought of all the reasons why I SHOULDN'T get my ass out of bed and go to the park for my run.

"GET OUT OF THAT DAMN BED!" I shouted to myself in my head. 

So, I did.

The allure of my bed was so strong I just wanted to lay back down.  But I didn't.  I got up, brushed my teeth, got changed, and went to the park for my run where I'm proud to say I shaved almost a minute off my time.  And guess how I'm feeling right now?  Pretty damn good.

So even if you don't want to.  Even if you feel like there's no way in hell you want to workout today.  Just get up and do it.  Just get out of that damn bed and do it, because you know that you're going to feel 100 times better after getting up and working out than you will skipping it and feeling guilty that you did.

I hope you all have a great day!

My Epic Cruise Vacation to The Bahamas

Our Family in the Dining Room

I returned to my humble home late Saturday evening from an epic nearly eight day vacation.  My family and I had so much fun but as you all probably know after that much time away, there really is no place like home. We cruised on the Carnival Fantasy for 5 days to The Bahamas out of Charleston, SC and even though we originally planned to drive about half way on Saturday, stay the night somewhere and then continue home on Sunday, the allure of our own beds led us to drive 14 hours all on Saturday.  And it was worth every single minute.

I started vacation not having weighed in in a week.  For the 4 or so days previous I was in nearly full-on Vacation Eating mode.  I had already planned in my head that I wouldn't be tracking, I'd allow myself to eat and drink as I wanted and enjoy every moment of my vacation.  And I started a little early.

I'm sure you're all wondering what the damage of unlimited free food and desserts, many cocktails and a new affinity for Bud Light Lime did to me.  For the two weeks prior to my return home, I gained 6.2 pounds.  SIX POINT TWO.  And I will be honest with you.  I'm not mad about a single ounce.

Espresso Cake

We ate things like this on a regular basis (that's Espresso Cake by the way.  What a wonderful couple of things to combine together).  We had dessert after lunch AND dinner.  We had three courses at dinner every night, and free cocktail night two out of the 5 (free is dangerous for me as it's my favorite price).  Buffets, customizable dinners, it was all fabulous.

While eating it all I did have periods of "what the hell am I doing?  I'm never going to be able to get back into weight loss mode.  And by the end of the trip, my clothes were a bit more snug.  But I knew, even in the face of indulgence, that I hadn't gained back the 30ish pounds I'd already lost.  One week of indulgence is not going to break my will to succeed.  To be honest, it was a nice break, but only a break I'm willing to take in the face of a vacation.  I can't imagine myself being the person now who says, "I need some healthy living time off.  I'm going to pig the hell out for a week."

Nassau, Bahamas

I did not get the run in that I anticipated while on the ship.   The morning I did get up at 6 am to do it was the morning we docked in Nassau, Bahamas.  I was greeted with this sight and couldn't tear my eyes away.  Also at the time I was going for my run, we were literally turning around in the port to back in to our docking station.  Jogging around the track at that time made me a little sea sick.  But I had a wonderful brisk walk with some great music on the jogging track instead and I count that as a win.  Plus we walked the length of the ship eleventy billion times every day.

I can't begin to say enough about the cruise.  It was our second cruise and it was much more manageable this time around because our youngest daughter is 3 now and last time she was 14 months.  MUCH easier and NO DIAPERS (or accidents or anything like that the entire time!).  We were busy every single day from 7am to midnight or so when we went to bed each day.  By the end of the trip, the kids were exhausted but well behaved the entire time.

Me & the girls at Freeport, Bahamas

While in Freeport, we went to the beach.  My husband and I thought, "we'll only wade in a little ways, we have the pool to swim in on the boat."  Once we got there, however, we couldn't resist going in further and our girls LOVED it. 

Here is photographic evidence of my ability to cross off an item on my bucket list (see "My Bucket List" tab above) - Wear a two piece bathing suit in public.  Yes, it was a tankini (thank you to the freaking genius who invented these) and not a string bikini or anything but I DID IT.  Self conscious?  Yes, a little.  But I did it and felt great!

The picture's not a great one, but this is me on FBN.

It was a wonderful trip, and wouldn't change it for anything.  But a word about Free Booze Night - just because it's free doesn't mean you need to drink 13 drinks in an hour.  They were half-sized drinks (most of them anyway), but in an hour?  Completely stupid.  I didn't get sick or anything, but dinner that night was a bit of a blur.  At least we didn't have to drive anywhere, and we could still take care of our kids. But, lesson learned.  Twice. 

I wouldn't change any part of this trip.  But now it's time to get back on the wagon and reach my goals.  I started yesterday with getting back to eating within my Weight Watchers points and it felt incredible.  Tomorrow I resume my 5k training program.  Being in control is a wonderful thing.  I hope you've all had a wonderful week!

Goodbye, vacation indulgence!

I'm Not Dead, I Swear It!

I'm still alive (that's good!) and working on compiling a vacation wrap-up blog post.  Thanks for the emails asking about where I was at.  Look for that post in the next few days, but in the meantime, check out the "Bucket List" page above - I got to cross something off of it on vacation!!

With Happiness, Numbers Can Change!

7 months ago I looked down at the scale and it told me I weighed more than 260 pounds.  That's a number I was quite ashamed of and never dreamed I'd EVER share with anyone.  I was so ashamed I wouldn't even entertain the thought of telling my husband, who is my best friend, my biggest supporter, and my safe place in the storm.  I felt like if people knew that number they'd think less of me.  They'd make fun of me.  They'd think I was a rotten person.

But who was I kidding?  Looking back now, it's not like I was hiding my weight in any way.  I was just pretending it wasn't a problem.  Look at any photo of me from then (if you can find one) and it's pretty plain that 260 was my number.

But I got brave.  I shared the number eventually here on my blog and guess what?  Nobody showed up at my door to burn me at the steak.  I shared that number with my brother and do you know what happened? He supported me.  I got brave enough to do actual workouts at the gym instead of coasting along on the bike or treadmill and putting in my time. 

I got brave enough to start loving myself.

Not every day is the perfect Weight Watchers day or the perfect workout day.  But I am putting more effort into myself now than I ever have before and I've got to tell you, it feels good.  I feel loveable.  I feel confident.  I feel like I have the right to do what I'm doing - and I DO! 

You don't have to be miserable.  You can choose happiness and make it happen.  I know that sounds easier said than done but it's so incredibly easy that anyone can do it. Be thankful for those that love you.  Be thankful for the roof over your head and the food you're able to eat.  Be thankful for the health of your family and the healthy life you're building for yourself. 

When you do that, the numbers will start changing - the number on the scale, the number of minutes you can run, the number of times you laugh each day, the number on the size tags of your clothes, the number of times you smile.

I look at the scale now and it tells me I'm at 225, and inching toward my lowest recorded weight as an adult - 219.  After that 199 is going to be so sweet.  But I won't stop there. I choose happiness, and with it I choose to change my numbers.