Monday, January 31, 2011

Could you vote again?

As many of you know, I'm in a contest to win a FREE Blog Re-Design from the completely and totally awesome April Showers Blog Design!

Today is the LAST day to vote! If you've voted before, that's ok! You can vote once per day so if you don't mind, please go vote again! And if you haven't voted yet, why the heck not? My blog content is awesome (haha), so I think it should look awesome too!

To help me all you have to do is go visit the fabulous and wonderful Charlie at Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt. Look on the left column to vote. THEN VOTE!

Thanks to Charlie and April for putting this all together. Even if I don't win, (which I really, REALLY want to), the ride's been a lot of fun!!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

30 Days of Pictures - Day 18

Day 18 - "A picture of your biggest insecurity"

I know I missed posting yesterday. I promised you 30 days of pictures, but I never said they would be in succession! Truth is that this one was something I just had to work through.

I have a LOT of insecurities. One of them is making small-talk to strangers. But the biggest one is being naked. I hate the thought of being naked, even in front of my husband, who I have been with for over 13 years. It STILL surprises me that he finds me attractive and desirable. He doesn't see what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. Because of my insecurity of being naked in front of anyone, it's limited me in ways. This is one thing that I'm really trying to work on mentally. Because I know that when the extra weight is gone, I'll look even more different. And honestly, I really do want to love myself. I want to love every bit of myself. I want to see what my husband sees.

Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:

19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Friday, January 28, 2011

GO VOTE NOW!

Guess what? GUESS!
I'm in the running to win a FREE Blog Re-Design from the completely and totally awesome April Showers Blog Design!

You want to help me win? Heck yeah, I know you want to help me win. I'm a spicy kinda-girl and my blog doesn't reflect that. April could REALLY help me make my blog seem more like "me."

To help me all you have to do is go visit the fabulous and wonderful Charlie at Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt. Look on the left column to vote. THEN VOTE!

After you vote, check out Charlie's blog because it's all kinds of awesome. (No, I'm not trying to kiss Charlie's smaller butt).

Thanks!!

30 Days of Pictures - Day 17

Day 17 "A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently"

You've heard of the hugely popular workout plan P90X, right? My brother, Lou, is an Independent Beachbody Consultant and he helps people get fit....WHILE he's getting fit. Tony Horton is the fella that created the program and from everything I've heard, following it can yield AMAZING results.

You've all heard of my brother, Lou. That fact that he has made the decision to get fit has had a HUGE impact on my life. That's a picture of him after a workout with Tony Horton. Yes, they're both being goofy. But my point is.....Lou was a big guy. AND HE'S DOING IT. He's not letting anyone get in his way. He's owning his choices and he's going forward. He's not stopping to wallow in self-pity when he stumbles. He just gets back up and foes forward.

For folks in my family, THAT IS HUGE.

I don't know that I can thank my brother enough for gently nudging me along on my journey. He inspires me every single day. He's lost well over 60 pounds doing what he's doing and I think that's just freaking incredible. Though a few thousand miles separate us physically, I have never felt closer to him than I do now. He's pretty awesome!

And if you'd like help on your journey, or are interested in awesome products like the nutrition supplement Shakeology, or workout programs like P90X and many others (he can help you find one that suits YOU), contact Lou!

Lou's Beachbody Page: Lou360X - Beachbody Coach
Blog: Journey to Fitness Blog
Twitter: @louthar
Facebook: Journey to Fitness



Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Good Days, Bad Days

Along this journey we sometimes say we've had "bad" days, and hopefully more often we say we've had "good" days. But what's the difference, really? A day is a day, it just depends on how you choose to react to it. Got bad news? Do you choose to eat a couple candy bars (which leaves your mouth tasting nasty and gives you enormous guilt ON TOP of the feelings you're feeling about the news you got?) Or do you choose to face the bad news head on and feel the feelings that come with it and make a plan to deal with it?

Often it's so easy to just choose the first option and eat your way through your feelings. But when we do that, we cheat ourselves out of being fundamentally HUMAN. You're not really feeling anything. And I know that when I do that, when the binge is over I just end up hating myself which, when you think about it, is really just stupid. I know in my heart I'm a good person. I know I'm a good mother and wife. I know that (most days) I'm good at my current chosen profession. So what's there to hate? MY LACK OF SELF-CONTROL.

On the days that I CHOOSE not to exercise self control, those are often categorized as "bad" days. But the day has nothing to do with it. I chose to make bad choices. "Good" days happen when I make "good" choices. When we choose to label days good and bad don't we really give the power to the fat on our bodies? Don't we let it define us? Lots of love and positive energy to each and every one of you who read my blog. You have NO idea how much you have helped me thus far and are continuing to help me. I positively LOVE this community!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Tweet Tweet

Hey, I'm figuring out the twitter thing! Friend me and teach me your secrets! Or just tell me your secrets.....I like just knowing secrets, too.

@AdiosFatGirl

30 Days of Pictures - Day 16

Day 16 "A picture of someone who inspires you"

The blogging community has been a HUGE support to me. I can't even begin to describe how much hope and inspiration I get from my favorite blogs.

Pam, who writes Plump Nonfiction, has been a big source of inspiration along my journey. Because of reading her blog, I took the plunge and re-joined Weight Watchers, which has done wonders for me. She's lost over SIXTY pounds since recommitting to her fitness routine and I don't know about you, but I feel like that's a gigantic accomplishment.

What I like most about Pam's blog is that it's REAL. She doesn't put on a happy face when she doesn't feel happy. She shares her successes with all of us AND her struggles. And we all know there are struggles on this journey. When I'm feeling like I can't do this, I go to Pam's blog and read past posts or just look at her progress pictures. She's so determined that she makes me determined too.

THANK YOU, Pam. From the bottom of my heart!!

Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

30 Days of Pictures - Day 15

Day 15 - "A picture of something you want to do before you die"

I'm a horrible dancer. Beyond horrible, really. I can't seem to get that rhythm that people keep telling me about. My husband and I are both 35 years old and when we slow dance (about once every 2 years or so), we look like 17 year old kids at their senior prom. DORKY 17 year old kids at their senior prom.

I've set up some motivational goals for myself, mostly because I know I'm a goal prize-driven person. At the 90lb lost mark I've listed Dance Lessons as my reward. And as much as I thought he would resist it, my husband said YES when I proposed the idea to him. How awesome is that? And once we learn how to dance, I want to go places where dancing happens. I don't mean fast dancing - I've really no interest in that. I mean slow ballroom-style dancing. And 1930s swing-style dancing. I REALLY want to do that, and I think it's incredibly awesome that my husband not only supports my desire to do so, but is a willing participant!

Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:


16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Loss

My husband and I listen to a particular podcast on a regular basis that deals with our favorite hobby. Over the years, after listening for so long, you kind of feel like you know the hosts somewhat, you know? The host of this particular podcast recently lost a child. When I heard the news of his son's passing (the baby was 2 months premature and had numerous health difficulties), I went through these emotions that I couldn't understand. I don't personally know the family, yet, on some level I guess I must identify with them to shed so many tears over their loss.

Fundamentally, as a mother, I suppose I identify with him and his wife on the simple level of being parents. I am very fortunate to have two wonderfully healthy girls. I can't even understand what my world might be like if I were to lose one of them. I just don't know how you ever smile again after the loss of a child.

I know only a small, minute fraction of what this family might be feeling. This past August, I experienced something I never thought would happen to me. I had a very early miscarriage. My husband and I were not trying to become pregnant (we had already, in fact, decided that our family was complete). It was so early in the pregnancy, in fact, that we hadn't known I was pregnant when the miscarriage happened. I was wrecked. I felt broken. And I ate. And ate. And ate.

At the time, I felt that as a woman, I had failed. That maybe I had done something wrong that had ended that very small person's life when I could have done something differently. I know now, of course, that those thoughts aren't very rational, and are untrue. But I felt so alone and horribly broken. My husband was (and still is) a fantastic support. But I think it's vastly different for men, when it comes to subjects like this.

So I ate a lot. I put on a lot of extra weight. I don't know exactly how much, but it was a good few pounds at least. And guess what? It didn't change the way I felt. The food didn't make me feel better. And it didn't make my pain go away. It didn't make me happy at all. In fact, it made me feel worse.

Looking back on the experience I see now what I could have done differently to help myself through the situation. Instead of turning to food, I should have turned to those in my life that would help me. I didn't want to burden my husband with my pain because I knew that although he was supportive of me, and gentle and kind with me, he didn't quite understand what I was going through and didn't know how to help. Finally, I turned to my older sister, and that's when the healing really started. She understood every bit (and much more) about what I was going through and without having talked to her, I think that my depression probably would have taken over.

So I now know....when I experience loss, depression, sadness - whatever the seemingly insurmountable emotion may be - food isn't going to help me. There is no shame in seeking the help of others.

30 Days of Pictures - Day 14

Day 14 - "A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without."

I have three someones I couldn't imagine my life without - my husband of 12 years and my 2 wonderful daughters.

A couple of seasons ago on "The Biggest Loser" there was a woman on the show who had lost her husband and two children in a vehicle accident. All at once. Just like that. Ever since I watched that, I think about it EVERY TIME we get in the van together. I have no idea how you carry on after losing one member of your family, let alone your whole entire family. We are a close nit bunch, the four of us. By and large we're all homebodies who just enjoy spending time together. We love playing games together, watching movies together, shopping together....just everything. We're the type of parents who aren't often without their children (although the occasional kid-free date is always MUCH appreciated). We take them with us, for the most part. We want our children to experience life, not just what it's like to be stuck at home with a babysitter. We have never really had a problem with their behavior taking them anywhere really. And it's nice to know we don't have to be on pins and needles when we go out to dinner wondering what they're going to do next.

The only person we have ever had watch our children for a length of time has been my husband's mother. Our oldest (age 6) has only spent the night away from home a handful of times, and even then it's only been with her grandma. Our youngest (2 1/2) has never spent the night away from home. I guess it's just who we are. Breaks are always good, but truthfully we'd just all rather be together.

Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:


15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Monday, January 24, 2011

Downward!

I just totally wanted to scream at all of you that I'M STILL GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. Which normally would be up, but for a fat girl who doesn't want to be a fat girl anymore, that direction is DOWN. As in the scale is going down.

I had another loss this week (1.6) for a total of 9.4 since January 1. I'm almost at the 10 lbs lost mark I reached in November (and then promptly threw away by eating like I'd never eaten before over the Christmas holiday). I'm really excited about that. When got to the 10lbs lost mark before, It had taken me 7 weeks to do that. I'm nearly there and the month isn't even over yet.

I am really excited!! Had another great workout this morning!

What's your favorite workout and how was your weekend??

30 Days of Pictures - Day 13


Day 13 - "A picture of your favorite band or artist"

This one's tough because I love music so much. I always have. Little known fact about me: I once played bass in a band called "Gothic Bluegrass" with my brother. Though "band" might be a strong word to use since it was really just me and him acting like idiots and playing music.

So anyway, since my "favorite" band changes from day to day depending on my mood, I thought I'd share with you my "go-to" band. When I can't think of what I want to listen to I always go back to these guys - The Drive-By Truckers. If you like southern-style rock, you should really check them out. Plus, another little-known fact about me: I have a celebrity crush on Patterson Hood, who sings and plays guitar in the band. He's the guy to the far left in the photo. I know, I know. I can't explain it.

Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Sunday, January 23, 2011

30 Days of Pictures - Day 12

Day 12 - "A picture of something you love"

Well since the instruction was to post a picture of someTHING I love and not someONE I love, I chose my phone. It's not a "smart" phone (even though it kind of looks like one). But I use it to access my email and the internet quite a lot. Simply put, I'm not proud of it but I don't know what I'd do if I lost it. I have A LOT of pictures on it.

Are you addicted to your phone too?


Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:


13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Winning ROCKS

I'm kind of competitive. My husband and I LOVE LOVE LOVE to play board games. A lot. And the truth is I'm sort of in love with winning. I'm not a sore winner by any stretch of the imagination. I do enjoy the experience of the game and I love that it's a hobby that we share and can spend lots of time together enjoying. But there's a point in every game where you get that feeling you're going to win. And that feeling ROCKS.

Today is the 22nd day of January and also day 22 of My Big Project. I've tracked everything that I've eaten (good or bad) in the past 22 days. EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. I'm not proud of some of the bites I've taken but something that I have really opened my eyes to is my emotional eating and my boredom eating. Writing everything down makes you acutely aware of not only WHAT you're eating but WHY you're eating.

Making healthier eating decisions and moving more has kind of become a game to me. And I'm starting to get that feeling deep inside me. That feeling that I'm going to WIN.

Are you ready for this? I'm even doing well on the weekends.

Weekends have traditionally been my "what the hell" days. Meaning mostly I have a cavalier attitude toward food and use my days of work as an excuse to eat whatever I want in any quantity I want. As if calories don't count on weekends. Not anymore, though. I have been doing well on the weekends. Yes, I've stumbled, but I've gotten back up. I didn't lay down and go to sleep.

30 Days of Pictures - Day 11

Day 11 - "A picture of something you hate"

Technically the picture to the right is something I LOVE. But do you know how hard it is to find a picture of a turning signal on a car that's NOT lit up?

I can't stand when I'm driving and people don't use their signals. I use mine EVERY time. EVERY SINGLE TIME I TURN, even when there's nobody behind me. My father told me about six million times it's only courteous to use your signals. So I do it.

If you plan on driving anywhere in the midwest this year, please consider using yours! Please and thank you!

Still to come....because I know you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation:

12. A picture of something you love
13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Friday, January 21, 2011

Grief

I'm going through this funny little phase and it always seems to happen to me when I've decided to commit myself to eating more healthfully and eating more.

I start GRIEVING. Mourning. Whatever you want to call it. I feel like my "fun" foods are off limits. I miss them and I desperately want to have them back but I know if I do then I'm off the wagon again and this time is no different from the others.

I'm not saying that I'm depriving myself of things. That's not the case. But a girl has to know her limitations. I know I can't be trusted around leftover sweets. Or leftovers of anything, really. If I start with one tiny bite it escalates into a full-on binge before I can even stop.

And I'm sure lots of you know what that leads to. Guilt. Grief. Self-loathing.

I, for one, am sick and tired of hating myself, or any part of myself. I'm sick of passing by a mirror and averting my gaze. I'm sick of telling myself I'm less than.

And so even though I grieve those "fun" foods, and I think they're gone forever, I do think that one day I'll be ok with them in moderation. Today's just not that day. I get so angry I want to kick the supermarket. I want to head straight to the bakery and throw cupcakes on the floor (and at whatever genius baked them). Right now, I just can't handle it.

So now what, right?

So now I go a little easy on myself. I treat myself like a little kid who is learning to ride a bike for the first time. Would you yell at a kid who was learning to ride a bike? Would you tell them they were stupid if they fell off? Would you encourage them to do their best or would you ridicule them if they made a mistake?

It's time for me to pack up my grief, my mourning and leave it alone for a while. I'm ready to start living.

30 Days of Pictures - Day 10

Day 10 - "A picture of someone you do the most f-ed up things with"

That's my cousin Sharon. We haven't been as close as we once were since we've been "grown ups" (whatever THAT'S supposed to mean), but we were certainly besties when we were teenagers.

We did such stupid things that were so FUN. Looking back now, they seem silly but I will never forget driving around in her Chevette, drawing pictures of high school math teachers on the dashboard, spending my dad's quarters, and playing so much Metallica music on the boombox in the backseat that we had to replace EVERY cassette tape (that's how long ago it was!) that we had.

Despite the fact that many miles separate us and we both have our own families now, there will always be a special place in my heart for Rose-a-Sharn. She rocks.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

30 Days of Photos - Day 9

Day 9 - "A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most"

This is a picture of my wonderful husband and I clowning around after putting up the Christmas tree this past year. No, I'm not sleeping.

He has gotten me through the tough times, and we've sailed through the good times together. He's my best friend. His humor and sense of family are what help me over the bumps. I can't imagine my life without him. He's the best support I could ask for!

30 Days of Pictures - Day 8


Day 8 - "A picture that makes you laugh"

I don't know these people, but the picture makes me laugh. I lifted it from www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com - a site I could waste GOBS of time on. In fact, in searching for a photo this morning, I came across SEVERAL that made me laugh, but just couldn't quit.

This entry is a day late, so you'll get a one-two punch today! I know, I know!! You're excited, aren't you? Plus I'll be blogging later about mid-week peeks. Simmer down, now!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Product Review - Flat Out Flatbread (Light Original)

I was excited to try Flat Out Flatbread. Only 3 points each and I read somewhere I could make a pizza out of it! YAHOO, right?

For me, not so much. In my best approximation, I feel like the flatbread itself tasted like cardboard, which had been made from dirt. Look, I know it's all whole-grainy, low Weight Watchers-pointy, and low-carby, but holy crap. Despite the fact that it was only 3 points per generous piece (and just 6 points for the cheese pizza I made with it), I would much rather cut a burrito size tortilla in half and use that for the same amount of points. I made one of these little pizzas for me using the Flat Out bread and one for my husband using the tortilla. Needless to say his looked (and tasted) MUCH better.

Every time I took a bite, I would have to sort of fold it over in my mouth so none of the flatbread was exposed to my offended taste buds.

I was really and truly excited about this product, and maybe I just need to try another variety (they have a ton of varieties to choose from and they're all reasonably priced), but this one was a big fat thumbs down for me. It leads me to wonder if my taste for whole-grain-tasting stuff will develop with the more fat I lose. I'll keep you all posted. Because I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat waiting for THAT information.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Word of Thanks

You guys have been so nice in leaving such wonderful comments. Thank you so much!

Today I reached 40 followers! I can't believe it! When I started this blog, I didn't think I'd get ANY followers, let alone 40! Thanks a heap. Stay tuned because I have very big things in store :)

30 Days of Pictures - Day 7

Day 7 - "A picture of my most treasured item"

I'm not usually a "stuff" kind of person. Before this past Christmas I would have had trouble coming up with something for this one. But to the left is a picture of one of the presents my husband got for me (this is a stock photo - my surname is not McCarthy - my actual ring has my own surname on it :-).

I'm traditionally not a "jewelry" kind of woman (although I may be when I get all this weight off) because it draws attention to you. But this ring was so thoughtful....so completely wonderful. I had always sort of wanted a "Mother's Ring" with the birthstones of our children on it. But this one is one better - it's a family ring and has ALL of our birthstones on it as well as a Celtic knot. I can't begin to tell you what this ring means to me, for my family is my all. I love being able to carry a reminder of each of my family with me at all times. It is the perfect piece of jewelry! And I love love love it!!

Trigger Foods

I've read a lot about how important it is to figure out what your trigger foods are and then avoid them. After the past two weeks having one day out of the week be a total self loathefest (I just totally made up that word), I've got a little insight into my trigger foods and I can't tell you I'm surprised (because of what they are) or happy (because I need to avoid them for a while).

Sweets and Pasta. When I have either I just want to have more. And more. And more. And more. I'm not past that yet and I know it'll be a while before I am. The only way I'm safe around these foods is if I make ONE portion and there are no more available. If there is leftover pasta, I will eat it (even if it's cold). If there are leftover brownies, I will eat them. Leftover cake? I'll eat it. I'm not at that "self control" place yet.

I know I'll get there but at least I've got the foresight to know that that's just not where I am yet.

Do you have foods that trigger you to binge?

Monday, January 17, 2011

30 Days of Pictures - Day 6

Day 6 - "A Picture of Someone You'd Like To Trade Places With for A Day"

I'm kind of going with what others have said here. I really don't want to be anyone else. Despite the fact that I bitch and complain sometimes about my weight and my struggles and blah blah blah, I've got it pretty good. A good husband who loves me no matter what, 2 beautiful and wonderful daughters who think I know EVERYthing (for now at least) and a roof over my head. Everything else is just gravy (mmmm, gravy.....)

So if I could trade places with someone, it would probably be my mother. That baby over there is me, circa the mid-1970s. And if I were to trade places with my mother it would be during this time period. I'd whisper into my ears - "Don't let food control you." "Don't be afraid to talk to people." "Be happy with who you are, and try to be a better person each day." Because somehow, those lessons got cross-wired for me. And I'm having a hard time with them still.

I was kinda cute then, huh?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Old Habits Die Hard

And I don't mean "Die Hard," that awesome movie from 1988 starring Bruce Willis. I mean, it's hard to stop beating myself up over small things. I have been tracking EVERYTHING, ya'll....EVERYTHING that I eat. Even the embarrassing stuff (like the extra spoonfuls of pasta straight out of the dish when nobody was looking) and using points for ALL of it.

This is the behavior modification tool that's working the best for me. Yes, I still have some of those old behaviors that want to stick around and it's HARD to kill them. But I am. I want to keep eating long after I'm full when I like the way something tastes. But slowly.......very slowly....that's changing. I'm keeping in the zone and thinking of the impact of my food choices on my day. I already know that I like to save a few points for a "treat" (even if that treat is a apple slices and peanut butter) for the end of the day. I am juggling my other daily points to accommodate that.

Look, I don't know how tomorrow's weigh in is going to go. But I do know that if I WORK on the behaviors I need to change...I mean really work on them and not just say I'm working on them (because dude, that's just talking, it's not working) then really and truly, it's all going to be alright. If I keep tracking things, if I keep being accountable even when it's not the most graceful of days (because there will be days like that), everything is going to be just fine.

I have faith in myself this time. I'm not doing it half-assed.

Oh and those habits? They will die. Eventually. I just have to work at not resurrecting them.

30 Days of Pictures - Day 5

Day #5 - "A picture of your favorite memory"

I have a lot of great memories to think back on. But I think this one sums it up. With the birth of our second daughter, I felt our little family was complete. The picture to the left is the first time our oldest ever held our youngest by herself. The look of pride on her face pretty much tells you what kind of sister she is. She's kind (even when the baby isn't), she tries her best to be patient with her, and loves her to no end.

So this, the first outpouring of love by my first born child for her younger sister, is my very favorite memory. These girls, along with my husband, are my 3 favorite people in the entire world and I feel so very blessed to be able to share my life with them.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Hopeful Moments

I've blogged before about how weight-loss is all about the little moments. I honestly, truly believe that. But little moments turn into big moments, too. I've gone on and on about how I LOVE sweets. Cake, cookies, candy...you name it. But since the start of Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago, I've put a lot of little moments together and that makes me feel really good.

Two weeks in a row, I passed up birthday cake.

I'll let that sink in a minute.

Yes, that's right. TWO. WEEKS. IN. A. ROW. There was a time in the not-so-distant past when the whole birthday party would have revolved around when I got to eat the cake, what the cake would be like, and would I get to have a second piece. Last week I didn't even want the cake. Today, though, I thought I did. But I waited. I waited long enough to tell myself, "Your experience at this birthday party will not be any better if you have that cake." and "The cake doesn't make the party."

And you know what? I was right. I had a fabulous time celebrating my husband's aunt's 80th birthday and I don't think it would have been any better if I had cake.

In fact, it was BETTER. Because I didn't let the food guide me. I let the EXPERIENCE guide me. And that feels pretty damn good.

30 Days of Pictures - Day 4

Day #4 - "A Picture of Your Night"

Tonight, like many nights from October to May, we are watching our beloved St. Louis Blues on TV. Hockey is something very special to my husband and I. We "met" in a hockey chat room in 1997 and haven't stopped being infatuated with each other since. I was originally a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, but eventually after moving to the midwest, I turned to the dark side and became a St. Louis Blues fan.

One of the things I love about watching hockey these days is sharing it with our daughters. Our oldest (6 yrs old) is interested in if they won or not, and is interested in their young superstar, T.J. Oshie, but she doesn't really sit and watch a game. Our 2 year old, however, will sit with us and watch and cheer. Hockey night is usually family snuggle night and it just doesn't get much better than that.

Friday, January 14, 2011

30 Days of Pictures - Day 3


Day #3 - "A picture of the cast of your favorite show."

Easy. Aron and I started watching Dexter on Netflix and loved it so much that at times watched 3 episodes a day (after the kiddos went to bed). It wasn't tough - brew some coffee and watch 3 hours of Dexter.

The trouble was, we ran out of Dexter. We haven't watched season 5 yet (NO SPOILERS, PLEASE!) and are VERY eagerly awaiting the release of Season 5 on DVD (or instant play, we're not picky). We'd liked Michael C. Hall's character in Six Feet Under, but Dexter just blows him away (no pun intended).

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Twitter

Hey, follow me on Twitter. I'll learn how to use it, I promise!

@AdiosFatGirl

Who wants to teach me about using Twitter on my phone? HA!

30 Days of Pictures - Day 2


Day 2 - "A picture of you and the person you've been the closest with the longest."

This one was pretty easy. That jamoke to the left is my big brother, Lou. He and I have always been close. When we were kids he'd pick on me and tell me not to tell dad. He used to have a dirt bike and would give me rides. I thought it was funny to tell him I was falling off the back when I wasn't. So one day when I was, he didn't believe me. When I fell off, he came back to where I was laying on the ground and say, "Don't tell dad."

Another time we were given the prestigious job of hauling firewood into the house from the outside shed. In an effort to speed up our dreaded job, we worked out a system where he'd stay close to the wood pile, and I'd stay near the door where the wheelbarrow was. He'd toss pieces of wood to me which I'd stack in the wheelbarrow. Inevitably, he started speeding up and I couldn't keep up. So of course he sped up some more. When I finally came to after being hit in the head with a piece of firewood, guess what the first words I heard were? "Don't tell dad."

My brother and I share a strange sense of humor. And even though my memory leaves something to be desired, when he and I talk, we can both remember jokes we told or pranks we pulled 25 years ago.

He and I have always had a relationship with food which wasn't really the healthiest. But we both packed on pounds together when we were younger. Our love of food and lack of something else as children (I still don't know what it is) led to our addictive behaviors when it comes to food. That's something we share that kinda sucks. But the good news is, we're both working hard to overturn these behaviors. It's hard, but it has been really nice having his support and being able to bounce ideas off him and exchange tips and tricks. Although he lives half a country away, we've got this bond that seems to transcend time and space. We're sci-fi like that.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

**Warning: Period Talk Ahead***

If there're any fellas who read my blog, you might want to look away. I'm deep in the need to talk about the female condition, and ya'll just might not understand, or may be grossed out by it. Or want to know any of this information.

I have found over the years that my body can be quite predictible especially when it comes to the menstrual cycle. These days it's pretty regular and I could set my watch by it if needed (though the thought of that is kind of gross to me for some reason). I know exactly what to expect from my body on each day of my cycle (day 3 is usually the worst). I also know what foods my body is going to tell me I absolutely SHOULD consume.

Look, it's no secret that I love sweets. If I were a baker by trade I'd be in some real trouble. However, when my period's about to show up, I get completely RAVENOUS for sweets. Why is that? Does our body have some fundamental rule stating that every 28 days sabotage is in order? Right this minute my brain is telling me I need some cupcakes, fruit pies, cookies, german chocolate cake, chocolate, and a giant bowl of cereal. But sweet doesn't have the corner on the market of my cravings. Savory has it's foot in the door, too. I want some macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and BACON.

I guess our genetic makeup tells us that physiologically our body is potentially getting ready for the stress of growing a baby, so we'd better pack on some pounds to get through the coming year. I get that. I just think the cravings can get out of freaking control.

Q) How do you keep it together during "that time?'
Q) For those of you who have lost a bit of your weight, do cravings like this get better?

30 Days of Pictures - Day 1


I totally lifted this idea from a few of my favorite blogs (Namely, Fat Angry Blog and Crazy little thing called LIFE). In 30 days you'll see 30 of my pictures that give you a glimpse of who I am. I know you'll enjoy it because I'm awesome (HA!)

30 Days of Pictures

Day one - A photo of yourself, and 15 facts.

This photo was taken this past spring, with my oldest daughter. We had gone to YMCA Healthy Kids day. It's one of my favorites of the 2 of us.

15 Facts About Colleen

1) When my hands are cold, my thumbs stay warm.
2) I count steps mentally when I go up or down them
3) When I was 5 I shut my hand in a car door. The fingernail on my middle finger has been funky ever since.
4) I completely suck at making (and keeping) friends
5) Conversation with strangers terrifies me
6) The one thing I can admit to being good at without becoming embarrassed is being a good mother.
7) I wear Christmas themed socks year round.
8) My secret wish is to have arms thin enough to feel comfortable in sleeveless shirts
9) There's a place in my basement I will never step foot in. And I can never be in the basement in the dark. It's just too creepy.
10) I met my husband in an online chat room for hockey fans
11) I quit college to move 800 miles away from home to be with him
12) It was the best decision I've ever made
13) I miss my father more with every passing day. He's been gone for 9 years.
14) There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my father, and the baby I lost several months ago.
15) I've got more determination this time around because I know my oldest daughter (pictured above) is watching me.



What to look forward to...

2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest
3. A picture of the cast of your favorite show
4. A picture of your night
5. A picture of your favorite memory
6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day
7. A picture of most treasured item
8. A picture that makes you laugh
9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most
10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with
11. A picture of something you hate
12. A picture of something you love
13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture of you when you were little
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something your afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

Thanks for the ideas, Fab and Trisha!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Weight Watchers, I love you

I weighed in this morning with a loss of 3.8 pounds. Having started the Weight Watchers online program last week, I knew that if I followed the program I'd show a loss of some kind. I was very pleased with the loss that I had!

There are a lot of things I love about the Weight Watchers program. First, I love that it's organized and straight-forward. It's very easy to learn. I will admit it now: I'm not with it enough to do this on my own right now without some kind of organization. I followed the program, I got results. I plan to do that again this week.

How are you guys doing?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Excellent start to the weekend!

Best workout of the week this morning and my oldest daughter came with me to the gym! Great way to start the weekend!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Guilt

When you first start a healthy living routine, be it eating more healthfully or exercising more...especially if you're trying to lose weight, do you have any guilt? I know I do. I have been tracking my points faithfully since Monday when I began the Weight Watchers online program. And there have been times, after a meal or something - where I don't fell "Thanksgiving Full," but I'm definitely done eating, you know? And then I think, "Oh no, I'm not going to lose at all this week!"

Well I think that's just our minds playing tricks on us again. You know, I have always said that being fat and eating whatever you wanted was much easier than putting thought into what you put in your mouth is. And to some degree I guess that's true. But really, honestly - if you were to ask me if the past 5 days have been difficult, I'd say no. There hasn't been one time that I've felt so hungry that I wanted to eat everything in sight. I think there are several reasons for that....mostly being faithful in tracking my foods. I want to do this every day, even weekends, to be accountable and really know what I'm eating. Another thing is a small support group of WW followers that I know on Facebook. Since I don't attend meetings, and I have always found that support is so necessary in just about any difficult venture in your life, this little group has really helped me in understanding that I'm not alone.....as has blogging. I love the little community that has formed here.

I'm starting to slowly (VERY slowly) realize that the time for being ashamed of who I am, the appearance I've morphed into...is over. Feeling ashamed doesn't get you anywhere. Sitting on my ass feeling embarrassed about my size doesn't get me anywhere. Getting up and moving does. I'm DOING something about this. And that feels so stinking empowering.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Reintroducing Me

A lot of things have changed since my first blog post. Originally, I thought this might just be a space for me to vent my MANY frustrations about losing weight. Since then, though it's become more than just my outlet. I truly enjoy coming here almost every day and just writing. I'd truly forgotten how much I enjoy just writing. Not just about weight loss, but in general.....putting the English language together into sentences and (sometimes)making sense. I absolutely love it. It's become my sanctuary.

I'm 35. I don't feel 35, whatever that means. In my head I still feel like I'm 20. Maybe that's why I'm told to act my age! But seriously, I just don't feel like I'm "supposed" to feel at 35. I feel younger than that number.

I've had food issues and have been overweight most of my life. There is photographic evidence, though, that I was once a SKINNY child. I just wish I could find that photo. I actually had bony knees. But over the years growing up, I just turned to food when I felt I couldn't cope. I will never EVER forget the day, in the 5th grade, when a boy in my class (who shall remain nameless, though I suspect he's still a bully) would tease me about being fat. When I'd stand next to my super skinny friend, he'd point to me and say, "Look, she's big as a whale," then point to my friend and say, "and she's small as a snail." Which cracked him the hell up. And began my repulsion of myself and the way I looked.

My main purpose here, on this blog, is to help myself get through my "issues" (I sound so new-agey) and make a friend or two along the way who understands where I'm coming from.....which is happening. Have you ever read Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt? Well, you should, because it's awesome. She's someone who can relate and doesn't take herself too seriously, which is what I'm all about.

She's running a contest right now for a Blog Makeover from April Showers Blog Design. I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to win the makeover. While I really do like my red and green weight loss apples (totally lifted from a free clip art site), my blog is visually B.O.R.I.N.G. Which I don't think I am. I'd love for it to reflect my personality. Which it currently does not. I ain't just red and green!!

Tomorrow - a weight loss post and a few observations. I promise!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Guest Blogger Time!! (Meatless Alternatives)

From time to time I'll have a guest blogger take over for a bit. In this case, it's my brother Lou who runs things over at Journey To Fitness. It's a blog I highly recommend. He brings us fitness tips and information served up with lots of humor. He's an Independent Beachbody Coach who is working his own program. With a weight loss of nearly 60 pounds and counting, his determination is AWESOME (and he's also one of my inspirations to get healthier as well!) Without further ado, here's Lou's Post:

How To Get Protein in a Vegetarian Diet

Getting protein into your body usually means eating something like beef, pork, chicken, seafood or some other animal source. We as humans need protein in our bodies to build strong muscles, to repair our bodies and to help maintain our immune systems.

Seems like a no-brianer right? Eat meat, maintain your body. But for vegetarians it’s not that easy. There are many reasons people are vegetarians, but the bottom line is that they don’t eat meat.

But wait a minute; there are different kinds of vegetarians too. They fall into the following categories:

Lacto-Ovo-Vegetarians: They won’t eat red meat, chicken or fish, but the consumption of dairy products and eggs is ok.

Lacto-Vegetarians: There is no meat and no eggs, but drinking milk is OK.

Vegans: There is no meat, no eggs, and no milk. No animal products of any kind.

That’s all well and good, but how do vegetarians get their protein? Well I’m glad you asked. I did a little research into it and found out the following:

Vegetarians can get protein from:

1: Legumes- also called dried beans are edible seeds that grow in pods. They are an inexpensive, easily grown source of protein. Because of their many health benefits, beans should be eaten often. Examples are chickpeas, split peas, haricot, lentils (red, green or brown), kidney beans, flageolet etc.

I like beans. Beans are the musical fruit…


2: Nuts & seeds-Nuts are fruits that have a hard outer shell that encloses a kernel, which is also called a nut. Seeds are contained in fruits of plants and are capable of reproducing a new plant. Many nuts and seeds are available both in and out of the shell, whole, halved, sliced, chopped, raw, or roasted example are cashew, peanuts, walnuts, almonds.

I love cashews and almonds. And recently I tried peanut butter with just 1 ingredient (that was peanuts folks...) and it was delicious!


3: Dairy products- (you vegans who may be reading this just move along, nothing to see here…) Dairy foods are products made from milk. Look for products with few or no additives and preservatives. Consider choosing yogurts with few or no additives and adding your own fresh or dried fruit to plain yogurt rather than opting for highly sweetened varieties.

I LOVE dairy foods. Milk=good, Cheese=GOOD, yogurt=good!


4: Cereals & food grains- Choose whole grain flours, cereals, wheat & rye breads, buckwheat pancakes, muffins & scones, noodles and pasta. Check the nutritional facts panel on the label for fat, sugar, and additives. Eat grain with complementary protein. Experiment with high quality grains, such as amaranth and quinoa.

This doesn’t mean get a big fat bowl of fruity pebbles and say you are eating healthy. It doesn’t count and you know it!


5: Algae-Blue-green algae, of which spirulina is a well-known example, is a group of 1,500 species of microscopic aquatic plants. The two most common species used for human consumption are Spirulina maxima and Spirulina platensis. Spirulina is particularly rich in protein and also contains carotenoids, vitamins, minerals, and essential fatty acids.

Really? I don’t know about this one. But I guess if this is what floats your boat, have at it.

6: Soybean-A versatile bean use extensively in cooking, the soybean also serves as the basis for a wide variety of soya foods consumed. Soybeans are the richest plant source of high-quality protein.

Soybeans are good. Believe it or not, you can make a lot of tasty dishes with Tofu. No really!

7: Seitan- has been used in Asia as a protein source and meat substitute for hundreds of years. Seitan can be prepared from scratch using whole-wheat flour. The flour is mixed with enough water to make into dough that is then kneaded in water and rinsed to remove the starch and the bran. The protein, or gluten, remains and is then simmered in a broth flavored with soya sauce to become seitan. The longer the gluten simmers, the firmer it becomes. Seitan can then be sliced for saut├ęs or stir-fries, diced into stews, soups, or casseroles, or formed into roasts. People who are allergic to wheat or wheat gluten should avoid seitan.

Ok, I’ll admit I have never ever heard of this before. And I still don’t know why I would eat something like this. I’d try it though.


8: Vegetable- are loaded with vitamins and minerals essential for varied body processes and have been shown to provide protection against a variety of illnesses

Duh! Eat your vegetables! They are yummy and good for you.


9: Fruits-Plant sources of protein alone can provide adequate amounts of essential amino acids if a variety of plant foods are consumed and energy needs are met. A diet high in fruits appears protective against heart disease. Fruits are often the most nutritious part of the plant and, unlike vegetables; their high water content allows most to be eaten without cooking. Because they are usually sweet, fruits are often eaten as a dessert, for breakfast, or as a refreshing snack.

Hey, how come there aren’t any fruititarians? Just wondering. Fruit can sometimes be a great source to satisfy your “Sweet Tooth”

10: Egg- Brown or white? Either and both is a source of complete protein. The color of the egg’s shell is simply an indicator of the breed of hen that laid the egg.

Awww Yeah! I love me some eggs! Scrambled, Fried, Poached, baked, never met an egg I didn’t like!


Alrighty then. So no more giving crap to the vegetarians getting their protein right? OK, I have to give them a little grief, but know I know, and you do too that vegetarians can get a suitable amount of protein in their diet by NOT eating meat. That means that you could too….


lou360x@gmail.com
Journey to Fitness is also on Facebook!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Pizza and Ice Cream

You'd think by the title of this post that I'd had a bad day, eh? NOT TRUE! It's been a fantastic day! I got my yoga in while the kids napped AND I got all my water in today.

The coolest thing, though, is that I knew there'd be a few indulgences this evening and I PLANNED for them. We went out for pizza and I knew I wanted to have dessert here at home after the kiddos went to bed. So, I took had oatmeal, a banana & 1/2 a cup of milk this morning for breakfast. It was more than adequate. Then I had a small snack mid-morning. For lunch I ate a big salad w/ fat free dressing. So that meant that tonight I could have the pizza I wanted AND the bowl of ice cream I'd been planning for.

Is this how normal people do it? I mean, do they think, "Hey I'm gonna rock out a little tonight and have some ice cream. I'll take it easy at lunch." If that's the case, then maybe I can be "normal" some day too. Because even though I didn't technically WANT to just eat salad for lunch, I knew I'd enjoy my pizza and a little ice cream (which I topped off with about a cup of frozen mixed berries I heated in a sauce pan with about a tsp of sugar. UN. FREAKING. REAL.)

I feel so proud of myself, which is something you don't often hear me say. But I am. I planned, I stuck with the plan, and I felt so satisfied and accomplished.

Yeah. Take THAT, Tuesday.

A Dozen Years

Since today is my 12th wedding anniversary, I thought it only fitting that I blog about my husband. He's not often mentioned here, but he is an amazing source of help and support to me, not only in weight loss but in life.

We have been together 13.5 years and never once, no matter how much weight has fluctuated, he has never, not once, said a word about my weight. He is kind and gentle when it comes to my feelings and for that I'll be forever grateful. Over the years when I've decided to lose weight, he's supported me. When I've failed, he's held me up when I needed a helping hand.

I've never heard, "Are you really going to eat all that?" or "Do you think you should be eating that?" I'm glad I married a man who is thoughtful enough to know that an overweight woman is often a fragile woman, no matter how she tries to appear on the outside. He truly loves me for who I am, which means the world to any woman.

I am lucky, and I don't take it for granted.

Thanks for a wonderful first 12 years, Aron. Here's to 12 more.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I'm Still Alive!

Well I made it through my first day of the Weight Watchers online program and I'm still living and breathing! I ate every one of my allotted points. However, I didn't touch my weekly allowance and didn't touch my activity points earned. That's a good thing!

This is baby steps, man. I got all my water in today. I stayed out of the stupid Christmas candy bowl (which truthfully wasn't that hard because I ate all the good stuff last week). I ate fruit as a snack. These are big deals to me!

I hope everyone else had a great Monday to build on. Tuesday ain't nothin' but Tuesday. I'm going to whip it's ass.

Among The Living

I hit the gym this morning and it felt GREAT! Although I didn't get to bed until well past midnight, I was up and at 'em at 5am this morning to get ready for my 5:30 workout. I put a bunch of music on my new iPod yesterday and quite fittingly, the first song to play was "Among The Living" by Anthrax. I *am* back "among the living."

I weighed in after I got back from the gym. Good news is, I didn't gain back EVERYTHING that I'd lost previously. I've held on to a 2.6 pound loss and I'm ready to build the hell out of it.

Have a great day!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm THAT Woman

My husband and I went to a hockey game tonight. We enjoyed ourselves as only we can (guess you just have to know us to understand our sense of humor) and just generally enjoyed each other's company while our 2 children were at home with Grandma. But one thing has bothered me all evening.

I've let myself become "that" woman. The one who doesn't fit in the seat so well at the arena. The one who has to cross her arms for most of the game so she doesn't touch the folks sitting next to her. The one who is probably being stared at by the people behind her. I couldn't just jump up and celebrate a goal (our St. Louis Blues lost 4-2, by the way. Bah!). I was winded walking to and from the arena. I sat in my seat and said to myself, "THIS ENDS TODAY."

I WILL NOT attend another hockey game at the weight I am today. I will not sit in my seat, embarrassed by my size. I will not let my size ruin my good time. I am a good person. I need to show myself that. I need to believe that I DESERVE to be healthy and thinner and ACTIVE. It's a CHOICE. Nobody's making me do this. Nobody MADE me gain back the weight I've already lost (and then some? We'll see at my weigh in tomorrow morning). They were all choices, conscious or not.

I can CHOOSE something different for myself.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Farewell, 2010.

It's 1/1/11 and I don't know why but when I woke up this morning (I slept in until after 7 and my kids are STILL asleep 40 minutes later!) but I was filled with all kinds of promise and light. I rang in the new year with my wonderful husband and our 6 year old daughter. It was the first time ever she was able to stay awake until midnight (our 2 year old crashed out around 9pm). After we watched the ball drop and my husband and I stared with our mouths agape at Dick Clark (what's happened to him?), I used the opportunity to hold my daughter close and tell her Happy New Year and that 2011 was going to be AWESOME! I thanked her for choosing me as her mother and told her that I am proud of her every single day.

I love being a mother.

She asked me yesterday, "Mom, why is your belly so big?" She was not being mean, she was not trying to make fun of my weight. She was genuinely curious. I told her, in terms a six year old can understand, how unwanted weight gain happens. I explained to her that through poor food choices and very little exercise that I have gained quite a lot of weight that I shouldn't have. I explained to her that I have made a promise to myself that in the coming year, I am going to make healthier choices and I am going to exercise more. She said, "Will you get smaller?" I told her, that yes - with healthier choices, folks who are overweight will get smaller. Her response? "But mommy, I like that you're soft. I'm afraid I won't know who you are." I told her that how we look on the outside does not change who we are on the inside. And no matter how big or small I am, I will always be the same mommy who loves her and will always be there to play and snuggle with and love her.

How can losing weight NOT be a priority for me now? I do not want my children to go another year with a fat mom who can't run after them for very long. In 2010, I made the choice to get healthier and for the the duration of the year I've f-ed around with that decision. I've told myself I've been serious about it. But I haven't been. I've let my addiction to food control and literally shape who I am. It's through tears that I tell you I feel powerless sometimes over food. FOOD! Can you believe that? My logical brain says that's preposterous. The rest of my brain is thinking ahead to what I'm going to eat next. It's not like alcohol or heroin (I would imagine). It's food - something everyone needs to live. I do have a feeling that as I shed the pounds I need to shed I'm going to make some very powerful revelations about my addiction and begin healing myself. This is the year I do it. For real-real, not for play-play.

In all other areas of my life, 2010 has been incredibly incredible. My husband and I launched our internet store (Fun Beyond Driven) and it has taken off to heights we h and happy. My marriage is a wonderful thing that grows stronger with each passing day. But weight-loss wise, 2010 can kiss my fat ass. I'm embracing 2011, whispering my secrets in her ear, and vowing that this is the year I'll remember for the rest of my life.

Happy 2011, everyone!
 
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