I'm going through this funny little phase and it always seems to happen to me when I've decided to commit myself to eating more healthfully and eating more.
I start GRIEVING. Mourning. Whatever you want to call it. I feel like my "fun" foods are off limits. I miss them and I desperately want to have them back but I know if I do then I'm off the wagon again and this time is no different from the others.
I'm not saying that I'm depriving myself of things. That's not the case. But a girl has to know her limitations. I know I can't be trusted around leftover sweets. Or leftovers of anything, really. If I start with one tiny bite it escalates into a full-on binge before I can even stop.
And I'm sure lots of you know what that leads to. Guilt. Grief. Self-loathing.
I, for one, am sick and tired of hating myself, or any part of myself. I'm sick of passing by a mirror and averting my gaze. I'm sick of telling myself I'm less than.
And so even though I grieve those "fun" foods, and I think they're gone forever, I do think that one day I'll be ok with them in moderation. Today's just not that day. I get so angry I want to kick the supermarket. I want to head straight to the bakery and throw cupcakes on the floor (and at whatever genius baked them). Right now, I just can't handle it.
So now what, right?
So now I go a little easy on myself. I treat myself like a little kid who is learning to ride a bike for the first time. Would you yell at a kid who was learning to ride a bike? Would you tell them they were stupid if they fell off? Would you encourage them to do their best or would you ridicule them if they made a mistake?
It's time for me to pack up my grief, my mourning and leave it alone for a while. I'm ready to start living.