It's 1/1/11 and I don't know why but when I woke up this morning (I slept in until after 7 and my kids are STILL asleep 40 minutes later!) but I was filled with all kinds of promise and light. I rang in the new year with my wonderful husband and our 6 year old daughter. It was the first time ever she was able to stay awake until midnight (our 2 year old crashed out around 9pm). After we watched the ball drop and my husband and I stared with our mouths agape at Dick Clark (what's happened to him?), I used the opportunity to hold my daughter close and tell her Happy New Year and that 2011 was going to be AWESOME! I thanked her for choosing me as her mother and told her that I am proud of her every single day.
I love being a mother.
She asked me yesterday, "Mom, why is your belly so big?" She was not being mean, she was not trying to make fun of my weight. She was genuinely curious. I told her, in terms a six year old can understand, how unwanted weight gain happens. I explained to her that through poor food choices and very little exercise that I have gained quite a lot of weight that I shouldn't have. I explained to her that I have made a promise to myself that in the coming year, I am going to make healthier choices and I am going to exercise more. She said, "Will you get smaller?" I told her, that yes - with healthier choices, folks who are overweight will get smaller. Her response? "But mommy, I like that you're soft. I'm afraid I won't know who you are." I told her that how we look on the outside does not change who we are on the inside. And no matter how big or small I am, I will always be the same mommy who loves her and will always be there to play and snuggle with and love her.
How can losing weight NOT be a priority for me now? I do not want my children to go another year with a fat mom who can't run after them for very long. In 2010, I made the choice to get healthier and for the the duration of the year I've f-ed around with that decision. I've told myself I've been serious about it. But I haven't been. I've let my addiction to food control and literally shape who I am. It's through tears that I tell you I feel powerless sometimes over food. FOOD! Can you believe that? My logical brain says that's preposterous. The rest of my brain is thinking ahead to what I'm going to eat next. It's not like alcohol or heroin (I would imagine). It's food - something everyone needs to live. I do have a feeling that as I shed the pounds I need to shed I'm going to make some very powerful revelations about my addiction and begin healing myself. This is the year I do it. For real-real, not for play-play.
In all other areas of my life, 2010 has been incredibly incredible. My husband and I launched our internet store (Fun Beyond Driven) and it has taken off to heights we h and happy. My marriage is a wonderful thing that grows stronger with each passing day. But weight-loss wise, 2010 can kiss my fat ass. I'm embracing 2011, whispering my secrets in her ear, and vowing that this is the year I'll remember for the rest of my life.
Happy 2011, everyone!