Saturday, August 14, 2010

What is addiction?

How can you tell when you're addicted to something? Junkies rarely think they have a problem when it's so obvious to everyone else. And fundamentally, it seems, addiction is the lack of control you have over participating in a certain activity.

I see people able to control themselves at a buffet, able to stop eating when the meal's over and put supper away without taking more bites of things. I wonder to myself, where the hell does that come from in me? Why doesn't my brain say, "Meal's over lady. Time to shut it down." Because I do pick. Sometimes off my kid's plates, sometimes out of the pan of whatever it was that I cooked....even if I'm full.

I find myself almost daydreaming about food. My husband and I get a date today (YAHOO! - Doesn't happen very often!) and I've known for a few weeks about it. What is the one thing I've been planning in my head? Where we're going to eat and what I'm going to order. Why should that be the main thing of our date in my head? I'm so excited to be spending time with him but seriously, I have not been able to stop thinking about going out to eat.

It's embarrassing, this problem I have with eating. I know how ugly it looks and I know the consequences it brings me. I'm trying so hard to stop and I'm at least conscious of it now. I do truly and honestly love to eat. How do I change my thinking?

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