Friday, October 8, 2010

How Many More Times?

How many more times do I have to be disgusted with myself before I actually take SUSTAINED action? In many (most, really) ways, I'm nothing like my mother. In the fact that I start things that will better my life and I don't finish, I am just like her. I can't tell you how much that infuriates me yet here I am.

I don't know how many of you know this, but I am a licensed in-home childcare provider. I took my own girls and my 4 daycare children to the park today. And you know what? Instead of getting up and playing / running with them like I normally do, I sat on the bench and watched them and cheered them from the sidelines. Who, exactly, is that helping? Not them, who would have loved for me to get off my fat ass and play with them. And certainly not me, who could use every bit of movement I can.

I'm at that precipice, I think of either saying "Fuck it" to the whole process or buckling down (for real-real) and getting this weight off.

My brother, also a life-long big person, has chosen to own his situation and has lost a ton of weight so far and he's got his eye on the goal. And I'll be honest here, I always thought it would be ME who lost the weight first, not him. Not because I'm better-than or anything, I just always thought, "when I really put my mind to it, I'll do it."

This whole blog is for me to be brutally honest and I guess I probably should be. I disgust myself. I rarely use mirrors unless I have to because I HATE what I see. My body image has always been skewed, but in the opposite way of most people who want to lose weight. Most people know they're fat and always think they're fat even after they've lost a ton of weight. Me, I have always thought of myself as smaller than I really am, which is probably why I have gotten so big I'm wearing a size 24 now. You heard that shit right, a 24. But my body image is catching up with my weight and I don't just feel fat, I feel OBESE. I f-ing hate that word but that's the only word to describe what I feel.

So why don't I just stop eating all the crap I'm eating? You'd figure that a person who doesn't eat meat wouldn't have such a problem. My rational brains says, "I'm just going to stop, that's all. I have willpower and I'm going to use it." But I've attached so much emotion to food I don't know how to un-attach it.

I guess it's just something I have to learn. Any suggestions?

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