Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I find it somewhat interesting (if that's the right word), the amount of anxiety I have over losing weight (which, for the record - not going so well these past few weeks.....why? MY fault). Maybe it's my personality, I don't know. But I find, when I stop and actually think about things, that I have so much anxiety it's almost comical (if it wasn't so sad).

There's anxiety over "losing" food.
Yeah, I said it. I sometimes have brief moments where I think, "I'm not going to have that 'comfort' shield that is food." So maybe I don't think those exact words but that's what it boils down to. "I'm not going to be able to eat as many cookies as I want!!" "No more 'bottomless' bowls of cereal!" Rationally, as I write it out it makes no freaking sense at all. But it is what it is, I guess. I think at the core of it, I use food as my shield - my excuse. It's compulsive and VERY hard to stop. I know it's easy to say, "All you have to to is stop putting the junk in your mouth." That is SO easy to say, and for someone like me, SO difficult to do. I'm not making excuses, just being honest with where my head is at.

I have this very rational side of me that knows the science of losing weight. I know that I have to eat less (and smarter), and move more. I know that I have to be very conscious and mindful of what I eat. Why, then, does my brain tell me it feels so good to "sneak" that extra bite of potatoes, or to put that extra tablespoon of mayonnaise (oh how I love it!) on a sandwich?

The thought of changing my eating habits, honestly (and most embarrassingly) makes me panic a little. For someone who has used food as an alternative to feeling emotions for 35 years, it is a very difficult emotional journey.

But I've got to be ready to do it sometime. Tyler at the 344 Pounds blog I talked about yesterday has BEEN there. He's lost a great deal of weight in the past 2 years. He's an amazing inspiration to THOUSANDS of people. And just reading his post about trying, even if we fail, was so uplifting and encouraging. I honestly know I'm not the only one to struggle on this weight loss journey thing. But dammit if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Tomorrow I'm choosing to focus on my liquid intake and I'm making a solid attempt to log what I eat. I have been stuttering along the way. I am a "DIVE RIGHT THE HELL IN" kind of gal. Maybe I need to dip my toes in the water a little first this time.

Wish me luck.

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