Honesty

Inspired by Trish, who writes the blog Crazy Little Thing Called LIFE and by Charlie who brings us Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt (both are EXCELLENT blogs), I decided to talk this morning about HONESTY.

The popular answer is often "I want to be healthy" when people are asked why they want to lose weight. For me, to a degree - yeah, that's true. But if you read my previous post about Vacation Planning, you'll also know that I'm thinking ahead and being extremely just a little vain about what our vacation pictures will look like next year. So yeah, that's a motivator too.

What other motivations do I have? I've mentioned before that I want to run, be active as a role model for my daughters, and be able to play more actively with them. All TRUE. These aren't my only motivations, though.

For YEARS.....ok, since FOREVER, I've always said, "eh...I hate shopping for clothes, that's just not who I am." Do you know WHY that's just not who I am? Because fat girls don't want to be reminded how fat they look 60 times in an afternoon. And not only do I not want to be reminded how fat I am while trying on new clothes, I've never really been on a "shopping trip" with a bunch of girlfriends because A)I don't have a bunch of girlfriends and B) Even if I did, I'd have a panic attack over "them" seeing me in all the outfits I've TRIED to try on.

So, truthfully, I'd love to be thinner to be able to buy some cute clothes and not these colorless smocks I seem to be wearing now. Yea, I DO hate clothes shopping. But not because shopping doesn't appeal to me....it does. I hate clothes shopping because I'm to fat to look good in much of anything, and even if I could look good in something, I am so clothing-disabled that I don't know to pick things out.

I just mentioned that I don't have a bunch of girlfriends to go shopping with even if I really wanted to. You know why that is? That's because I completely SUCK at making friends with women. I have NEVER had a friend who I had a friendship deep enough to tell ALL of my fears to. And the one friendship I HAVE had where I ALMOST felt comfortable enough to do that, has completely fizzled in the past few years. I don't have the one girlfriend who I call when I'm feeling down. I don't have those friends who I can have a "girls night out" with. And I think a big part of the reason for that is that I'm completely embarrassed by myself.

Look, I KNOW what I look like. For years I didn't have pictures taken of me because I knew they were all going to look horrible and make me want to cry. Sometimes, though, if I see a picture of me I'm still a little taken aback that I've let myself get THIS big. When my husband and I go on date night (few and far between with 2 kids), even if I do try and dress up a little, I still feel like an idiot. I don't get that feeling of feeling beautiful, though my wonderful husband tells me that I am very often.

So here it all is. I want to f-ing shop for clothes. For sexy underwear (tmi?). For cute shoes that match my outfits. I want to feel confident enough to cultivate meaningful friendships with other women. I want to WANT to be in our family pictures. I want to feel better, yes. But dammit I also want to LOOK better too. I want to like what I see in the mirror instead of averting my eyes in shame. I want to be free.