I've been going on and on about being positive, taking risks, and just doing what you need to do to attain your goals. But what good is me talking about it if I don't walk the walk?
It's been a stressful week in a lot of ways. My mother-in-law, who is an ideal mother-in-law, and whom I love very much, has been sick and in the hospital since Monday. I get a little panicky when I think about it. Without going into details about the struggles she's been facing, let's just say she had a very serious medical condition and nearly didn't make it. Words cannot express what this woman means to me. When I moved half a country away from my home, family, and friends to be with the man I eventually married (her son), she welcomed me into their family with open arms and love and hasn't stopped since. I've had the type of mother-daughter relationship with her that I'd always wished I could have with my own mother. She has been the best grandmother a person could wish to have for their children. And the thought of having nearly lost her scares me to no end.
And so, I kept it together, mostly. I had controlled eating habits most of the week. I'd find myself start to slip and I'd stop. I can't even start to tell you how badly I wanted to binge. It was like I was going out of my skull with the need to. I'd find myself in the pantry just staring at the shelves of food, getting those sweaty palms, my heart racing....plotting. And although I wanted with every fiber of my being to give into my urges, I didn't.
It's not just having my mother-in-law sick that pushed me over the edge. My children have been sick off and on the past few days. I felt my organization of my home begin to slip (which has become very important to me). I've just felt mentally on edge. Today, although I *knew* it wasn't a good idea, I suggested that my husband and I take our youngest daughter (oldest daughter was at school) and the one daycare child I had with me today out to lunch. They chose a pizza buffet (which, lord help me, I knew they would pick - which is why I suggested it). Before we even got there I knew I shouldn't have suggested it. I knew it wouldn't turn out pretty. And it didn't. It wasn't a horrible binge in any stretch of the word. I could have gone way further (and would have if I had been there with the girls by myself). But the shame I felt the entire time was just too much.
Later in the afternoon my wonderful husband asked me what was bothering me. My normal response? "Nothing." (We know it drives you guys crazy when we say that, but sometimes....it's just easier.) This time, though, I confessed. I cried. I told him how I was feeling.
When it comes to food / binges / etc - I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
And he asked me - Did you go over your points? (WW points) I told him I hadn't.
He didn't say, "It's ok." And I love him for that. He just said, it's tough sometimes.....and offered to help me make a plan for the rest of the evening that he would help me follow. I don't know if I can express to him what that means to me.....to not feel like I'm all alone in this house with these feelings.
This is how she sees me and it is really quite astounding to me. It made me cry. It was my "snap" point to the day. I have a wonderful, loving husband willing to do whatever he can to help me succeed. I have children who love me and don't see me as I see myself. I have a great network of blogger and Twitter friends who are here to support me.
There's no way I can't win at this. I gave into my urge to eat my feelings. But at least I thought about it this time. Maybe next time I can take that a step further. I STILL refuse to lay down and die.