Saturday, April 30, 2011

Fresh Starts / Feeling in Control vs. Feeling Powerless

I've spent the better part of the past 4 days not making the best choices, not tracking a good portion of my food and generally being in "who gives a crap" mode.  Last week I had a loss of 3.8 - somehow in my mind that equals "relax" instead of "keep it up!"

I sometimes think, in the throes of a binge, that it feels "good" to relax the weight loss journey a bit and just "live a little."  It's amazing how the concept of that phrase changes, isn't it?  Being out of control and not taking responsibility for your actions is not truly living.  I always feel like it's nice to have a day every once in a while where I just don't track anything and eat whatever the hell I want.  Like I've got my old life back.

But you know what?  It's all smoke and mirrors.  Having those days has the exact opposite effect on me.  It fills me with shame and guilt.  It makes me feel weak and powerless.  It makes me feel so...."less than."  That bloated, stuffed feeling serves as a reminder of who I used to be.  I am honestly not that girl anymore.

I have noticed that when I am on a downward slide and I start getting lazy, what usually stops it is when I have a full out binge.  Why is that?  Do I really have to be faced with such a low point to remember what it feels like? 

Today I woke up BRAND NEW.  I was ready to take on the day and make it mine.  I went to the gym and met a friend there, which was really nice.  I bested my time getting to 2 miles on the elliptical (17:03!!!) and then did 3.5 miles on the bike, a good bit of weight training and even half a mile on the treadmill.  Beth told me she could see my weight loss progress.  That felt good!  I gotta tell you - after leaving the gym I felt sore and INVINCIBLE. 

I tracked EVERYTHING I ate.  And we had even planned pizza for dinner.  Guess what I did for the first time ever?  Instead of having 2 pieces and blowing a shit-ton of points, I had one piece and a big salad, and I felt really good about that.

The common thread here is, no matter how good I think it's going to feel to binge and eat whatever feelings I'm feeling - it feels a million times better to be in control and responsible.  Spoken like a true mom, eh?  It's so true for me.  I felt like I was on top of the world today.  I tracked my food intake and had an honest number when I was done with the day.  No fudging the numbers.  That's mostly why I haven't logged anything in the "What I Eat" tab lately.  I couldn't be honest so I didn't put anything at all. 

I don't expect any sort of miracle on the scale on Monday.  But I chose to take the power back today.  I chose to make this day a day full of success and not shame.  I choose to remember why I'm doing this all in the first place - not to be a certain pants size, not to have the scale show me a certain number - but to FEEL good.  To do all the things I've always wanted to do.  I love myself.  I love my life.  It's time to keep showing myself that that's all true. 4 days of poor choices does not determine my fate.  I do.

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