Thursday, April 14, 2011

Self Discovery: Why I Binge

I began yesterday feeling so strong and capable.  The more I walked through the day, the more I felt "off."  I felt like I was walking on the edge of a cliff and the ground was crumbling beneath me.  As time wore on, I felt less and less strong and more self-doubt crept into me.  My meals had been planned and usually that is enough.  I was working Day 10 and didn't want to ruin it. But the itch was there.

I found myself in the pantry staring at the food no less than 20 times yesterday afternoon.  And each time I  went about the process of telling myself what a f'ed up thing that was to be doing.  I'm SO close to 30lbs gone.  I just earned my first 10% weight loss - so what the hell was I doing staring at the food and planning my attack for?

When the desire to binge washes over me, this is what it's like.  I have tunnel vision and all I think is: FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD.  I had baked pineapple cupcakes yesterday.  I wanted to eat ALL of them.  Every. Single.  One.  While baking them I had thought, "Wow, I can really do this.  I can have things like this around and not want to devour all of them."  I was so wrong.  Because they are only 3 PointsPlus each, I thought I could have one....or two.....or three.  Until pretty soon all I could think about was eating those and every other damn thing in my house.  My pulse was racing, my palms were sweaty.

And I felt completely and utterly helpless.





Why do I do this to myself?  I started to binge but stopped myself.  Yes, I know this is huge to have stopped myself.  But the fact still remains that I started (with those stupid fucking cupcakes).  And I talked to my friend Jessie about it.  I tracked everything and only used a handful of my weekly WW points.  The damage wasn't as severe as I'd thought it would be.  I felt better after talking with her, but I still felt - empty.  Earlier in the evening I talked with my friend Beth and my self doubt and self loathing came out (sorry Beth!).  Some days, like yesterday, I feel so lost.  Like I don't have it all together like everyone thinks I do.  Like I have no idea what I'm doing.

And it hit me.


I binge on the days I feel lost, depressed - alone.  I looked back at my calendar to see how often I "restart."  It's on average of every 12 - 15 days.  Sometimes less but never more.  These are the days when my husband asks me, "What's wrong?" And I never have an answer for him because I don't know.  God love him, he wants to help, I just don't know how I can let him.  I'm supposed to be strong.  I'm supposed to know what I'm doing - I'm the mother of 2 children who rely on me - this is how I feel anyway.  And on those days I am dealing with depression, I don't know how to do ANYthing.  Except eat.

The reason I can eat and eat and eat on those days and never feel full is because I'm trying to fill an emotional hole that can't be filled.  I'm trying to heal myself with food.

Look, I don't know why the depression settles in when it does.  I don't even understand what I'm depressed about when it happens.  That's the next step for me - figuring out WHY.  For now, it's such a weight off my shoulders having made this discovery.  Next time I start feeling this way, I can hopefully realize it and take steps to avoid binging to make it go away.

I feel so strong and empowered today.  Many thanks to Beth and Jessie for listening to me last night.

PS for the record - although I started to binge, I'm still counting today as Day 11.  I am allowing myself one week per month to use my weekly WW points, and I guess this is the week for April.  That's ok.  Yesterday, though it didn't seem like it at the time, was a huge success.

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