Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Psychology of (My) Weight Loss, Part 2 (Control)

You may (or may not!) remember that about three weeks ago, I blogged about The Psychology of (My) Weight Loss, Part 1 - which dealt with the highs and lows of my weight loss journey, and primarily focused on the lows.  It's no secret that I struggle with my self-image and mild depression now and then.  My focus at those times targets everything I perceive as "wrong" with myself and I let my imagination run wild and think up 10 new things I suck at or that are wrong with me.


There are times when I feel like I could take on the entire world and WIN.  My water intake is spot on.  My exercise is incredible.  My food choices are EASY and within my range.  On days/weeks like that, I feel like it's absurd that I ever felt down about myself.  I feel pretty, I feel empowered, I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to.

What's the secret?  Control.

I will admit I'm a bit of a control freak. I like things to be done "my" way because surprisingly enough I'm egotistical enough to think that my way is the right way.  That may sound funny coming from someone like me who is socially awkward and has little confidence in many situations.  But in my own head?  I'm a fucking dynamo!  I am HONESTLY trying to let go of a lot of this.  I'm consciously trying to let my daughters do things in a manner that makes them feel comfortable and empowered and not "my" way just because that's what puts me in my comfort zone.  If my husband is gracious enough to put away the dishes when they're dry, I consciously try not to put them away in the "right" places when he's not looking. 

And while I'm relinquishing control in other parts of my life, my weight loss journey is something that is all mine.  Mine to succeed or fail at.  Mine to tailor to my needs and interests.  And so I must remember on the down and cloudy days, that there will be days of sunshine, like today.  On days like today (and the three days that preceded it) I am in total control.  And that control is better than any birthday cake or ice cream sundae.  That control feels like success and success always feels good.

Anyone know how I can bottle this? 

I mentioned to a friend last night that when I'm in the zone like this, I sometimes get shaky.  To me it feels like a person with Alzheimers must feel, knowing that in a matter of time, everything they know is going to be turned upside down on them.  Sometimes I keep waiting for the "other shoe to drop" (seriously, who came up with that expression?) and I think that it's just a matter of time before I start a binge and start the cycle over again.  Maybe so, and maybe not.  But really, isn't the point that I'm having these days of clarity at all?  There was a time in my not-so-distant past that these days of clarity and determination didn't exist at all.  Now, it seems like they are edging their way to becoming the norm rather than the exception. 

That seems pretty damn exciting to me.

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