Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Haven't Been Present - Here's Why

I don't feel like I've had much to say this past week or so.  I haven't been very present on my own blog or at the blogs I read on a daily basis.  There are many that I read regularly but don't often comment on and there are many that I do comment often on and I haven't even been leaving comments there.  I haven't been writing as much.  I haven't been on Twitter much, and my Facebook page - well....I haven't been there much at all either.

I haven't felt well the past few days but it can also be said that I can feel the grip of depression starting to set in.  I've got a good idea what the trigger is (or what I've ALLOWED to be the trigger), and I'm looking to put it in it's place with a phone call in the morning.  How do you tell someone you have loved for nearly 36 years that their absence in your life, their lack of effort in your life and your children's lives is a constant reminder of the one of the most traumatic events of your life?  Or, more importantly, DO you tell them?  Do you just let the past be the past or do you confront it? 

At what point do you say, "This shit doesn't matter to me anymore?"  When will I be that person who can just let it all go? I've tried to be that person, but something always seems to remind me that I've got unfinished business to attend to.  I've always been a "fixer," and when I can't "fix" something, it eats away at me.  I've been reading all these posts on Facebook about how people are in awe of their mothers and they're all so close with their mothers.  I've always wished that to be the case with me, but it's not.  I can't post a photo of my mother on FB and pretend that she and I have a fairytale relationship because we don't.  She's not an evil person - I just don't understand her, and I don't know if I ever will.

In relation to weight loss - I don't know what it all means.  I just know that when depression kicks in, I usually fall desperately off plan and beat myself up as much as possible.  I'm trying to tread water here. So far so good.  Recognizing the signs that it's coming is helping me fight it off.  Thanks so much to all of you for your wonderful support.

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