I'm wondering if I'm allowing myself to become a bi-polar weight-loser (still can't bring myself to use the word "dieter."). I'll have these extreme "I CAN DO ANYTHING" periods followed by, "No, you can not do everything. You can't even do anything." That is seriously how I've felt the past couple of days. I've had binges (yeah - making those lemon bars while pretending I was doing it only for my husband's enjoyment? Not such a good idea in hindsight). I've done the self-loathing thing. I've tried to remind myself that the "old" way is the more "fun" way. But in reality, it's NOT. It's not any fun at all.
My blog is all about honesty. Judge me if you must, but you can't say I'm not being honest. I have realized in the very recent past, how much I have let my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother influence my self-destruction. Please don't read me the wrong way here. I'm in no way trying to paint my mother as a monster. She never hit me. She never verbally abused me. She never told me anything negative about myself. But at the age of about 15, she moved several states away with her new husband and the two children she had created with him. And it was at that moment that she ceased being my mother. She never really looked back (or so I thought). The promises of phone calls were empty ones, and I very rarely heard from her.
I have spent a good portion of my adult life trying desperately to have a relationship with her. I don't know why it has mattered to me so much. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a failure. Like I didn't measure up to - I don't know what. Her silence in my life is heard in my heart as indifference. The longer that passes between phone calls from her, the more bitter I become. It depresses me to think about it. And when I get depressed, it's the worst kind of binging that I do. It's a hopeless binge. It's the sort of binge that I can't stop in the middle of. It's the sort of binge that I can't seem to get full from - until I stop. It's the sort of binge that leaves tears running down my face because I feel so weak and ashamed.
After a binge like that I feel a small amount of relief as if my body needed it. But then, of course, I feel sick for quite some time after. I really hate feeling out of control. I hate not being able to stop myself. I told someone today that the hardest part about making a change in our lives is making the decision to do so - and sticking with it.
With every 10 pounds I've lost, I have found a way to sabotage myself (check out the "Progress" tab above) and gain the next week or shortly thereafter. This is a cycle (and one of the many reasons I'm tracking my weight loss publicly). I need to break this cycle. And although I briefly entertained the idea of taking a break from all electronic applications I use for my weight loss journey (Twitter, blog, and Facebook), I realize it's this very support that I need so much to break such cycles. I gain strength in the numbers of people in similar situations as I am. Together we can do this. It's all about self discovery and behavior modification.
Despite what my brain has been telling me, I WILL WIN at this. I CAN do that, and I WILL do this. It's not a choice. It's just what I'm doing.
And I'm really glad you're all with me.